He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

ImageYou ain’t shit, never was shit, ain’t gone be shit, and ya Momma ain’t shit. Now what?

Some people feel that the difference between a real man and an “Ain’t shit” guy has absolutely nothing to do with a woman. Kinda true but…Newsflash: EVERY man has the potential to be both and there’s something to be said about the role a woman plays in what she’s presented. For instance:

When you go to the club, I bet you wear something a little sexy, you accept a few drinks, and you jirate the night away without a worry in the world. Right? But…if you’re in an interview for an office job, you’re probably not singing at the top of your lungs, in a 3 point stance, dropping it like it’s hot. What changed? Was it your character, your morals, or your home training? No. It was your environment, your surroundings, and the people around you in which you were intending to make an impression on. So this same principal applies to men. Remember, men are RE-actors. Working out is a reaction to women liking muscles, having a job is a reaction to women liking money, and wearing condoms is a reaction to STDs and surprise babies.

So what does that mean for you? If you’ve attracted yourself a real man, one that has intentions on pursuing marriage and a family with the next woman he encounters, you canImage completely ruin that by disrespecting him or even worse yourself. He can be up for the Nobel Peace Prize but that won’t keep him from bringing out the worst in him should you beckon for it with unnecessary stress.

“ALL HE WANTED WAS SEX…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY”

Real men catch hell on this one. How convenient it would be if we could detach our penises and put it in a safe until the time was right, but guess what, we don’t work like that.The problem is, when women sift through to the good men, they think our hormones are on ice waiting for us to make our mind up about who we’re going to marry, which is the case approximately 0.034% of the time(according to a recent study). You see, physical arousal is a God-given element of being human and an involuntary response to being attracted to someone. So yeah, real men like love sex too and it’s not fair for you to hold that against us.  But if that’s the only way you’re making yourself valuable to us, we will accept it with a smile, and leave shortly thereafter it gets old much like the trademark of the “ain’t shit” guy. You will go on to deem us as being just like the others you’ve dealt with, only telling the world the one-sided truth(which is a lie) about how we only wanted sex. But you want to know the common denominator in your ratio of a-holes to great guys? YOU. Address that part of the equation, and you will have a better chance of changing what it equals to.

“BUT A REAL MAN WILL SHOW A WOMAN THAT ALL GUYS AREN’T THE SAME”

ImageSo, you want me to go on about how a real man treats every woman like a queen? He kisses your feet, rubs your ears, does all the cooking, and even when you do look fat, he tells you that he loves your curves…. Ok, we’ll go with that. But even the cutest little kitten will attack like a lion if you rub it wrong. Your only job is to keep a man true to his identity. If he’s an “ain’t shit” guy, be the kind of self-respecting, strong, classy woman that repels him. Not the kind that makes him feel right at home(rolling his weed, playing Xbox with him when you know he’s supposed to be looking for a job, accepting his disrespect). No, that doesn’t mean holding your vagina as collateral until he makes it official, because if he has no loyalty, then his relationship title will remain Single no matter what you call it. He’ll wait out your 90 day rule while he sleeps with your best friend and uses your tax refund to pay for the baby shower.

If he’s a real man, be that environment that’s conducive to that. Stroke his ego every now and then(it’s OK), let him know you got his back, and always hold him accountable for meaning what he says and vice versa. Just like a real woman, a real man knows his worth and he’s not about to waste any of it on a girl who’s showing she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s in front of her. The cape is getting less and less popular the more modern day independent women show themselves, so don’t expect some “Man of Steel” to come saving you from all of the bad habits you’ve held onto over the years while you play victim like you owe him that responsibility. “Ain’t shit” guys are out there, but instead of trying to avoid them, focus on being the one they try to avoid.Image

-Derrick Jaxn

10 Things HE Wishes You Understood

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*It’s ok to laugh. :)*

1. He does like to cuddle, but not when he’s horny, hungry, or sleepy.

2. “What he won’t do another man will”. Then remember that when it’s time for him to pay child support.

3. Even if he didn’t have something to hide, nothing good will ever come out of you going through his phone.

4. If a woman who cleans is outdated, then don’t go digging up chivalry when it’s time to pay the dinner tab either.

5. Stop giving your self an insult so he can correct you with a compliment.

6. If he has to be the one to put his life on the line when shit gets real, then yes, he expects you to cook.

7. It’s not that he’s tired of listening to you, he’s tired of hearing you talk. The listening stopped long ago.

8. No he won’t hit you, but daring him to doesn’t help the situation.

9. The silent treatment is like sending a rich kid to his room. He only pretends it’s punishment.

10. There’ll always be some girl that doesn’t have the flaws you do, but he’ll love you regardless.

-Derrick Jaxn

12 Things She Wishes You Understood

1.She’s a lover, but she’ll fight for you.

2.She’s not jealous, she just doesn’t want to lose you.

3.She’s not just emotional, she’s passionate.

4.She’s not stupid, she just trusted you.

5.She’s not needy, but she deserves your attention.

6.She’s not insecure, but she wants you to find her attractive.

7.She’s not rushing things, she just doesn’t have time for games.

8.She’s not judgmental, she just realizes your potential.

9.She doesn’t have trust issues, but she hates being lied to.

10.She loves the thought of being all yours, but not if you flirt with everyone else.

11.She’s not “too sensitive”, but she does have feelings.

12.She knows she’s complicated, but she still wishes you understood. 

-Derrick Jaxn

Friends With Benefits- The Best Alternative

ImageSo, your last relationship didn’t work out. It happens. But during the relationship, your body got used to attention that it’s having a hard time doing without. Only thing is, you’ve always been protective with your box and you have more respect for yourself than to give it up to just anybody. Still, not getting that sexual gratification drives you crazy. Why? Our bodies weren’t designed to start having sex and stop before our biological clock said so. Christians would argue this is even more the reason to wait ’til marriage but in the name of fairness, let’s just say you’re not as perfect as the average Christian.  So you’re simply not ready to get back into a relationship, not up for the challenge of celibacy, and your mama taught you better than to sleep around. What else is there?

Friends with benefits.

Most people only know the wrong way to do this and for that reason have been turned off from the idea. But there’s 3 reasons why a Friends With Benefits-ship deserves consideration:

1. Keeps your dignity intact.

2. Not having overlapping partners significantly decreases your chances for STDs

3. Keeps you from making an appearance on Maury about who you are 1000% sure is your “baby daddy”

Do understand that this shouldn’t be preferred over a healthy relationship, but sometimes it can help ease the grace period between attempts at love. On the contrary, it can get sticky when feelings get involved, and when it’s not revolved around complete honesty and openness. A Friends With Benefits-ship is only for the person who is planning on being single for a while, has a high sex drive, but still has too much self respect to have several partners at one time. So what’s the “right” way to do this and enjoy the full benefits with little to no drawbacks?

First,  get to know your potential friend with benefits. It’s not ok to be complete strangers with someone you’ll be sharing something so valuable with. Talk about where you’re at in your life and make sure it’s on the same page as his. This is critical because if he’s in a relationship then it puts you in a compromising position. You really don’t need the side chick drama and there’s more fish in the sea, single fish. So after it’s established that both of you are two people that are ok with being single for the moment then your next step is to….

Write him off as potential relationship material. If he seems to be the right guy but it’s still the wrong time for you, then going any further is going to send you on an emotional roller coaster and wouldn’t be fair to him.  Put yellow tape around your heart and let him know he is in no way welcome to enter. Toss him a roll so he can do the same because you don’t want to lead him on either. Now if this hasn’t run him off and you still have his attention it’s time to move on to your final step….

Establish a thorough understanding of what you want with a high priority on honesty. Given that you’ve already gotten to know him, you trust him to his word. If he can agree to  be completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing outside you guys’ friends with benefits-ship, you can make sure that physically, you two are monogamous. It defeats the purpose if either of you are still sexually active with multiple partners. But to avoid relationship parameters and ultimately expectations, agree to being open about what happens in each other’s outside sex life so should either of you feel the need to sexually engage with another, you can peacefully end your own rendezvous and walk away.

Now at this point, you’ve got a guy here you’re attracted to but have no emotional connection with that’s proven himself worthy of a hormonal outlet for you. Now all you have to do is go get tested together and you’re ready to do your thing. I know this sounds like a bit much but if you take your health and your self-respect seriously, it’s a small price to pay for pretty high reward. Now you’re able to not only be single with a bit more peace of mind(and body) but you can entertain real potential relationship partners without having to rush things because of sex. It’s much easier to discern a man who’s worthy of your heart when your hormones aren’t constantly nagging for attention. However, this is one of those good things that aren’t meant to last forever and you have to remain realistic about that. If at any point you start including quality time, good morning texts, dates, etc…you’re going to get more than you bargained for and I don’t mean that in a good way. This isn’t meant to be fulfilling but it’s a reasonable alternative to the lonely, empty, frustrating feeling of not having someone to satisfy your physical cravings.  Cravings that would normally either send us back to our ex we’re better off without or becoming a revolving door for one-night standers.

-Derrick Jaxn

 

A Good Man Is Not That Hard to Find

Image. No one wants to be single forever searching for the perfect person but we also don’t want to give up hope and get less than we deserve. Single women are no stranger to this dillemma and it can be extremely difficult to play either side of the fence. But it’s not at all fair to say that good men are hard to find, or that there are no more left so I talked to some friends and got some interesting feedback about the topic and decided that it’s not that your standards are too high, you just need to prioritize them.

I will say that the higher your standards, the fewer you’re going to be able to have on the same level with a decent shot at finding love. Let’s look at your standards on a scale of importance from 1-10 with 10 being the least amount of tolerance to anything less than what you want. You’d probably want to have your standards set something like this:

5 standards- Level 10 (Ex: Loves God, Not Abusive, Good Hygiene, Hard Working, Honest)

4 standards- Level 8 (Ex: Good looks, Good job, Wants children, Ready to settle down)

3 standards- Level 5 (Ex: A lot of money, Well dressed, Sensitive)

Any lower and it’s not a standard…but this example gives a woman 12 things to require of her potential partner and happens to be quite realistic. You can’t possibly put all of them on the same level because while some things you should be willing to work with a man on, there are some that should never be compromised.  Don’t lower or erase your standards, but do choose wisely. Good men aren’t so hard to find, but they can be difficult to recognize. Image🙂

-Jaxn

Think Like a Man….but What About Us?

So I’ve finally watched the movie, “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady” and I can truly say, job well done Steve. You’ve effectively convinced women to think they know how to trick a man into loving them the way they’ve always wanted. Trust me, I love women and want to help them find the love they deserve, but what Steve Harvey(who’s cheated on his wife several times)  conveniently neglected to mention is that not all men are like him. Taking the general conception that ‘Men ain’t shit’, he just categorized us all into those “good men waiting to happen” categories while there is actually a such thing as a good man just waiting for the right woman at the right time. I’m speaking from personal experience only but for instance:

1) The Mogul in the Making– Yes this is similar to the “dreamer” but not quite the same. This is the man who already has a lot going for himself and is focused on just that and nothing else. He’s a great guy, no criminal record, has good credit, morals etc. but he also has a plan for his life and a serious relationship and a family didn’t make the cut this round. Doesn’t mean he needs to be tricked, just a matter of time if you have the patience.

2) Shy Brotha– You all know the guy with no game, no swagger, no style? Well this is probably also the guy who’s willing to put you first if given the chance. Only thing is he can’t keep your attention because you’re looking for Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome with a 401k. No he may not approach you first, but if you shake those outdated traditions of “letting him come to you”, you’ll realize this great guy was just waiting to be found by a woman who knows treasure when she sees it.

3) Damaged Goods– “Ain’t Shit” women come a dime a dozen just like the men. So when they show their true colors to good men who chose to love them, there’s a grace period we need to regain our composure. No matter how tough we are, it’s this thing called human that makes it impossible to just brush off our shoulders when we invest our heart into someone who breaks it. He’s still a great guy, and because of that he’s going to want you to have your own clean slate rather than picking up where the last chick left off. He’s actually doing you a favor by not giving you what you want exactly when you want it.

I’m sure the list goes on of the kinds of men that are unsung in the topic of dating but those are the main three. Steve Harvey brought up an interesting topic and I appreciate that. Because women innately want to get what they want out of relationship rather than a mutual compromise from both sides, Steve’s movement will continue to thrive. He’s not wrong for seizing a business opportunity and giving us entertainment but be sure you can differentiate. I mean, don’t take advice from a comedian and then wonder why your love life is a joke. 🙂

-Jaxn

Unapproachable <<<—– Is This You?

Women love to be met, but tend to neglect their responsibility to be ready. This comes from years of misguided advice from media and mentors who didn’t have any more a clue than they did about how to attract the right guy. Being ready is to be approachable, not ‘appealing’.

I believe it starts at the first impression. For whatever reason, it seems like women want men to surprise them with their introduction, and call it being “original”. If this was a talent show, fine, but in real life a bland “Hi, how are you?” may be as genuine as it gets. Women have to stop expecting men to jump through flaming hoops reciting Shakespeare. I can see how it’s convenient for women to sit back and say, “Show me what you got”, but keep in mind there’s very creative assholes out there. Don’t make the first cuts based on the ‘hello’ unless it’s just way left field(i.e. “Ay yo bitch” is unnacceptable). Pick up on more subtle signs that are less voluntary. For instance, where does his eyes focus in the first 2 minutes of conversation? Being up close gives us a very tempting opportunity to see better what we couldn’t from a far especially when we have a hidden agenda. Knowing what too look for speaks to your priorities and therefore what kind of men are making it through your filter. Also, be careful of the subtle signals you send as well. A man with genuine intentions will do everything but run the other way when an attractive woman rolls her eyes unwelcoming his presence.

This brings me to my next point; The difference between Mr. Right approaching you and keeping his distance could also be your demeanor. Shake the whole “bad bitch” ora that you put on to prove how self-assured you are in public. You know the type; the road is her runway, nothing’s cool enough for her attention, if it rained she’d drown for her nose being so high, etc. While nothing’s wrong with looking and feeling great, men tend to feel more comfortable approaching women whos’ heads are still on their shoulders. I’ve even found that some women get approached more when in their comfortable wear which could very well speak to that point. It doesn’t mean he’s not “man enough”, but rather he doesn’t need any more stress in his life. Long story short, confident not cocky is ALWAYS the way to go.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the kind of guy you’re in to. You’ll always be approachable to somebody, but who do you want that to be? Hint: Mr. Right 🙂

-Jaxn