He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

ImageYou ain’t shit, never was shit, ain’t gone be shit, and ya Momma ain’t shit. Now what?

Some people feel that the difference between a real man and an “Ain’t shit” guy has absolutely nothing to do with a woman. Kinda true but…Newsflash: EVERY man has the potential to be both and there’s something to be said about the role a woman plays in what she’s presented. For instance:

When you go to the club, I bet you wear something a little sexy, you accept a few drinks, and you jirate the night away without a worry in the world. Right? But…if you’re in an interview for an office job, you’re probably not singing at the top of your lungs, in a 3 point stance, dropping it like it’s hot. What changed? Was it your character, your morals, or your home training? No. It was your environment, your surroundings, and the people around you in which you were intending to make an impression on. So this same principal applies to men. Remember, men are RE-actors. Working out is a reaction to women liking muscles, having a job is a reaction to women liking money, and wearing condoms is a reaction to STDs and surprise babies.

So what does that mean for you? If you’ve attracted yourself a real man, one that has intentions on pursuing marriage and a family with the next woman he encounters, you canImage completely ruin that by disrespecting him or even worse yourself. He can be up for the Nobel Peace Prize but that won’t keep him from bringing out the worst in him should you beckon for it with unnecessary stress.

“ALL HE WANTED WAS SEX…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY”

Real men catch hell on this one. How convenient it would be if we could detach our penises and put it in a safe until the time was right, but guess what, we don’t work like that.The problem is, when women sift through to the good men, they think our hormones are on ice waiting for us to make our mind up about who we’re going to marry, which is the case approximately 0.034% of the time(according to a recent study). You see, physical arousal is a God-given element of being human and an involuntary response to being attracted to someone. So yeah, real men like love sex too and it’s not fair for you to hold that against us.  But if that’s the only way you’re making yourself valuable to us, we will accept it with a smile, and leave shortly thereafter it gets old much like the trademark of the “ain’t shit” guy. You will go on to deem us as being just like the others you’ve dealt with, only telling the world the one-sided truth(which is a lie) about how we only wanted sex. But you want to know the common denominator in your ratio of a-holes to great guys? YOU. Address that part of the equation, and you will have a better chance of changing what it equals to.

“BUT A REAL MAN WILL SHOW A WOMAN THAT ALL GUYS AREN’T THE SAME”

ImageSo, you want me to go on about how a real man treats every woman like a queen? He kisses your feet, rubs your ears, does all the cooking, and even when you do look fat, he tells you that he loves your curves…. Ok, we’ll go with that. But even the cutest little kitten will attack like a lion if you rub it wrong. Your only job is to keep a man true to his identity. If he’s an “ain’t shit” guy, be the kind of self-respecting, strong, classy woman that repels him. Not the kind that makes him feel right at home(rolling his weed, playing Xbox with him when you know he’s supposed to be looking for a job, accepting his disrespect). No, that doesn’t mean holding your vagina as collateral until he makes it official, because if he has no loyalty, then his relationship title will remain Single no matter what you call it. He’ll wait out your 90 day rule while he sleeps with your best friend and uses your tax refund to pay for the baby shower.

If he’s a real man, be that environment that’s conducive to that. Stroke his ego every now and then(it’s OK), let him know you got his back, and always hold him accountable for meaning what he says and vice versa. Just like a real woman, a real man knows his worth and he’s not about to waste any of it on a girl who’s showing she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s in front of her. The cape is getting less and less popular the more modern day independent women show themselves, so don’t expect some “Man of Steel” to come saving you from all of the bad habits you’ve held onto over the years while you play victim like you owe him that responsibility. “Ain’t shit” guys are out there, but instead of trying to avoid them, focus on being the one they try to avoid.Image

-Derrick Jaxn

10 Things HE Wishes You Understood

Image

*It’s ok to laugh. :)*

1. He does like to cuddle, but not when he’s horny, hungry, or sleepy.

2. “What he won’t do another man will”. Then remember that when it’s time for him to pay child support.

3. Even if he didn’t have something to hide, nothing good will ever come out of you going through his phone.

4. If a woman who cleans is outdated, then don’t go digging up chivalry when it’s time to pay the dinner tab either.

5. Stop giving your self an insult so he can correct you with a compliment.

6. If he has to be the one to put his life on the line when shit gets real, then yes, he expects you to cook.

7. It’s not that he’s tired of listening to you, he’s tired of hearing you talk. The listening stopped long ago.

8. No he won’t hit you, but daring him to doesn’t help the situation.

9. The silent treatment is like sending a rich kid to his room. He only pretends it’s punishment.

10. There’ll always be some girl that doesn’t have the flaws you do, but he’ll love you regardless.

-Derrick Jaxn

12 Things She Wishes You Understood

1.She’s a lover, but she’ll fight for you.

2.She’s not jealous, she just doesn’t want to lose you.

3.She’s not just emotional, she’s passionate.

4.She’s not stupid, she just trusted you.

5.She’s not needy, but she deserves your attention.

6.She’s not insecure, but she wants you to find her attractive.

7.She’s not rushing things, she just doesn’t have time for games.

8.She’s not judgmental, she just realizes your potential.

9.She doesn’t have trust issues, but she hates being lied to.

10.She loves the thought of being all yours, but not if you flirt with everyone else.

11.She’s not “too sensitive”, but she does have feelings.

12.She knows she’s complicated, but she still wishes you understood. 

-Derrick Jaxn

How Facebook Can Keep You Miserable…If You Let It

Written by @DerrickJaxn

Once upon a time, someone told Mark Zuckerburg that perception is reality, so he created Facebook; the facilitator of insecurity, assumptions, and all things drama. It’s cost effective if you need an irresponsible outlet for your personal business. It also makes it easier to fine tune your public perception no matter how inaccurately it depicts the real you; Yet and still, it’s convincing enough to make you believe everyone else’s facade so that you still get “addicted” to it as you’ve probably already admitted some time or another. Funny thing about Facebook is, it needs low self-esteem and a lack of role models to thrive and in America, the pickings are plentiful. Magazines of super models paved the way and “reality” TV is carrying the torch. Together, they have now formed an Avengers-like super group to make sure you remain intolerable to the imperfections that keep you from being like everyone else. Here’s how.

Pinocchio Love Stories

ImageWhether it’s the picture of a rare date night or a subliminary reference to a man that a girl pretends she has like “Cuddling with him.” Or “Can’t wait to see him today. <3” You get that feeling of ‘awe how come she has that and I don’t’, when really you don’t know what she has and of course she  knows that. I’ve seen it happen where girls will literally false advertise a relationship they don’t have just to avoid looking as lonely as they are. Besides, everybody goes through things; rarely will people stop to pose for a picture when they do. So don’t think that just because you see couples’ pics of them cross eyed making clown faces or giving piggy back rides in the park that love passed by your doorstep. You’re only going to make that great guy you do have wonder why he’s not living up to your expectations.

It may possibly be time for you to be constructively single but you can’t shake the illusion that all the happy people seem to have someone to call their own.

Image

Pay attention to detail…..

It’s not fun dodging questions when you’re just the bridesmaid or on those lonely nights with your remote and ice cream, but that’s better than crying your eyes out because you don’t know where your man is and he’s only texting you back instead of returning your calls. Look at the bright side, it’s better to be single and alone instead of in a relationship and being faithful to a guy who treats you like shit and has sex with your best friend still lonely.

Tax Return Diddy

There’s always that one guy who stacks together his life’s savings to pose for his flip phone camera picture. Why? Because maybe you’ll see it and believe it’s not his rent money that he harassed the bank teller into giving him change for so he could stunt on you. Don’t be impressed by bad priorities.Image Chances are Meek Millz is his only financial advisor and he has 6 kids that can barely get a new coat for school. The new generation of “Try So Hard Muh-fuckas Wanna Find Me” University has evolved the game to pictures of J’s, marijuana, and new outfits they’re keeping the receipt for. The faces change but the game remains the same. You just need to decide whether you’re content being the player or ready to referee.

Maury Auditions

There’s no reason why who you slept with last night or what’s going on in your relationship needs to go viral. Believe it or not, your personal profile is anything but personal. Any problem you’re having with your man should be settled with him directly and calling him out is only going to add fire to the flame, even if it makes you feel like you got your revenge for him disagreeing with you. Besides, the only people that would want to hear about your relationship troubles are glad you’re having them, so stop using a stage to hang your dirty laundry. 

Image

Even worse is when you “let somebody have it” through your status update hoping they see. Congratulations, you just took thumb wrestling to a whole new level. Facebook statuses are the new firearms and these drive-by’s you’re doing make you look smaller than the thumbnail of your profile picture. No man looks at a girl who does that and thinks, “Wow, I’d love to make her my wife.”

Magic Photoshop Wand

ImageA picture is worth a thousand words, and some people are compulsive liars. As a photographer, I understand the creative aspect of it and even why a professional would want that zit-free head shot. But Rosa Parks did not die so we could abuse this software to become the unrealistic version of ourselves in every mirror pic we post.

Now close your eyes and think of the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Beautiful”. If Halle Berry, Tyra Banks, or Nene Lekes popped up, you have a problem. Those women built their brands with professional make-up artists, hair dressers, and image consultants to present to you as their every-day selves when they don’t even brush their teeth without the help of a glam squad. When you think of “beautiful”, something about yourself should come to mind immediately, and if it doesn’t then it’s time to start training yourself to think that way. You’ll never be as good as what someone else can pretend to be, and your insecurities make themselves at home in your efforts to do so. ImageIt really doesn’t matter how pretty you are if you can only see it in someone else’s mirror and to a real man, confidence is much more attractive in the long run than any physical attribute. Give yourself that confidence through a concerted effort of loving you without the aid of a Facebook like or comment.

The point is, Facebook is meant to make you feel just a little bit less than, particularly if you indulge in it on an every few moments hourly basis. Not everyone is equipped with the maturation to handle such a freedom to be someone else, and that’s ok. Just keep yourself out of that group and recognize them when you see them. It’s tough to know when Facebook has begun infiltrating your happiness but a key indicator is when it’s your go-to for real life information on what someone’s doing or for when you need to talk to somebody about something that’s on your mind. You have to learn to be a little more responsible and stingy with your trust. You know the real you, yet you perceive the ideal version of everyone else. Keep that in proper context because while you are beautiful, it won’t even matter if your perception convinces you otherwise.

Image-Derrick Jaxn

Valentine’s Day- A Side Chick’s Worst Nightmare

So it’s that time of year where the rose pedals are falling, the wine is pouring, and theImage touchdowns are being scored. If you’re one of the lucky ones, your only challenge is to figure out how to innovate from last year to get exactly what you get at the end of the night you always get. As for the other 80% of single and It’s complicated America, this holiday should be banned. Single women are updating the “Independent Chick” playlists and getting ready to join forces with their single friends and pretend they don’t feel the pressure together. Yet and still, there’s no one with more on their plate than those riding the fence; the mistresses better known as “side-chicks'”

This is something like an American Idol audition for them and they’re either going to Hollywood or getting sent back home after waiting in line for so long for their big break. Oblivious to the fact they’ve been instructed to never tag pictures on Facebook without permission, that there’s never any planned dates but instead a random “Hey let’s chill” text, or how sitting on the edge of the bed watching Netflix is his idea of a dinner date; the hope that she’s really his one and only is still alive. No doubt about it, the side chicks are more nervous than a trick-or-treater asking Jerry Sandusky for candy on Halloween, but I’m here to help. If you want to make sure you’re not getting your hopes up for nothing, answer these questions:

side-chick11. Did your “man” start an argument with you? Starting an argument is a great excuse for a guy to plead his case about why he figured you wouldn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. If he’s lucky you’ll even give him the silent treatment until it’s over.

2. Does he give you an “I have a dream” speech about why he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day? Maybe because it’s just a conspiracy from the government to make money or that instead of just one day, every day should be a day to prove one’s affection? Well, if a guy’s really into you, then any reason to treat you special and put a smile on your face is a good one. Just so you know.

3. Is he complaining about hitting tough financial times because he’s still waiting on his tax money? That’s what we call the good ole’ rope-a-dope. Just one of the many ways to stall while Valentine’s Day turns into your way of proving you understand and can hang in there when the going gets tough.

4. Did something come up that’s going to take him out of town on that very day which either means celebrating early or a little later? Right…because it’s the occasion not the actual day that really matters. Truth is, his main girl ain’t tryna hear that, but you don’t have much of a choice.  It’s either that or just get straight up cut from the team; Or even worse, stood up.

Now you may have answered ‘No’ to these questions, but it doesn’t quite guarantee your position as the main woman. It just gives you a much better chance of seeing the flashing red lights before the train comes and you’re stuck on the tracks. When it comes man-cheating-med-newto keeping a rotation of faithful side chicks, guys will update their lies faster than the iPhone. As soon as you think you have one figured out there’s a brand new one, faster and better than the last. Besides, being a guy’s main chick isn’t any more an esteemed position than being the main one to use your toothbrush this morning. Step your self-respect up, you deserve it.

-Derrick Jaxn

He’s Just Not My “Type”

perfect guySo you’re not quite the Next Top Model, but you’re attractive enough so that you do have options. You’re sure of what you want and refuse to settle for less but guys are either turn offs or not who they say they are. Well the problem could be in the laundry list of qualifications you expect your man to meet. “I want a bad boy, a lot of money, and that ain’t afraid to put me in my place when I start talkin’ crazy.” That’s music to an “Ain’t Shit” dude’s ears. Most women choose men based on the most superficial things like these but as you mature, so should your standards. Being tired of running into all the wrong guys while passing up the good guys is like hating spicy foods and drinking hot sauce. You’re doing it to yourself. Mr. Right might statistically be the most average and unimpressive guy who can’t make the cut because he’s not 6’5 with abs and a 401k. When you define your type, it should include more than just personality and looks but also character. It doesn’t matter how “fine” and “funny” a guy is, if he can’t be FAITHFUL you’re only hurting yourself by entertaining him.65873_576660065694957_345076575_n

What you’re using to attract these guys is also directly related to who’s coming your way. You don’t see people throwing out catnip when they go fishing for a reason. Same thing goes for when you wear the painted on jeans or have your cleavage hitting you in the chin then tell guys it’s what’s on the inside that counts. We’re pretty easy to confuse and that will do just the trick. You want to catch and keep the good guys, then use good guy bait; Self-respect, patience, and class.

Now if you’re one of those looking for a guy by reasonable standards but they never turn out to be who they say they are, then I have a suggestion; When you’re getting to know him, stop asking those Myspace ass questions about his favorite colors and start asking things he’s not so used to lying about. Something like “What things did you go through that taught you the value of hard work?” or “Do you have a favorite author?” etc. Those are the kinds of questions that will show you where a man’s at intellectually and with his maturity. Besides, impressing you should take more than a visit to the barbershop and a few lyrics from Drake.  If he can’t take the lead on a mentally stimulating conversation, then he’s showing you one of his colors and it rhymes with red flag.

Don’t make it so easy on us. Observe whether or not what a man’s saying is consistent with his life. He can’t be telling you he’s a responsible guy yet living well beyond his means because he heard it in a rap song. We have an idea on what most women are looking for so you have to put forth the effort of removing yourself from that majority. We’ll either respect you more for it or remove ourselves from the situation because we know we’re not on your level. It may take some lonely nights and awkward Stevie-J-Joseline-Hernandez-pimpmoments when your friends are flashing their engagement rings, but don’t settle for less than you deserve. A woman who knows her worth is an “Ain’t Shit” guy’s worst nightmare.

Women Who Make The First Move Are….

….usually women who see what they want, and go after it. There’s this misconception being spread by a particular relationship expert(I won’t call names), that women who make the first move are thirsty and selling themselves short. She, like a lot of women, don’t understand why a man might not be so quick to approach you. Typically women will just claim that they’re “old fashioned” to justify sitting back and letting Imagemen come to them but slavery is old fashioned too; doesn’t make it right. Whatever you do, don’t turn into one of these, “A real man ain’t scared to make the first move” types because Eharmony will be knocking on your door by age 40 when all the good men are taken.

It’s not about being scared. It’s about whether or not the odds are in our favor. We assess the situation and get in where we fit in which sometimes means staying out. The same way a basketball player could pull up for the jumper, but if the entire opposing team is guarding him, he’ll more than likely opt out. Given that not every guy is Kobe in the 4th quarter, we don’t want to ruin our chances we might have to try another time. It doesn’t help if you have 20 of your girlfriends with you to multiply the hImageumiliation should you perform your best “boy bye” once the stage is yours.  You find it cute but while it boosts your ego it depletes ours. No other woman is going to want to entertain the guy who just got shot down. Imagine if you saw it happen and he came to you next…..right.

“I intimidate most men ” Whoa… Slow your role. Sure, it’s a comforting thought how you’re so sexy, that while the strong may survive, the meek shall not inherit your earth….but chill.  Some men really don’t care whether you say yes or no, they’ll approach you out of sheer apathy because the part of you they really want comes a dime a dozen. The guy who’s looking for that one in a million at least cares about the chance to get to know you.  Besides, it doesn’t take a ‘brave’ man to approImageach you the same way it doesn’t take a brave man to see somebody shooting at them and refuse to duck. Some dudes just have their ‘give-a-shit’ knob broken. That’s the same guy that sees you coming out the health clinic in tears but will stop you to say, “Ay yo ma, come holla at me”.

You may think it’s unladylike to make the first move if you have the wrong idea about what constitutes one. The first move can be as subtle as eye contact WITHOUT looking away when you see him looking at you, or opening up a conversation with a friendly “hi”. Unless all you want is sex, you shouldn’t make any overly aggressive moves like buying drinks or winking. If at some point he doesn’t take the lead in the moves being made, then he’s just not that into you. It’s not a detriment to your ambition so don’t think you have to try harder because your face will hurt even more when you fall flat on it.   It’s a lot of pressure on men to be mind readers and know the difference between a woman who’s attracted to us or just being “flirty”, but if you give us just a little hint, then we’ll fly with it. But giving us a I haven’t had my coffee today look when we step to you tends to clip our wings.

Also understand that by first move, I don’t mean 2nd, 3rd and 20th. Chasing anyone is an absolute hell-no. Last time I checked, you could only chase something that’s trying to get away. Either he wants you or he doesn’t. Even if you win his game of playing hard to get, at the end of the day he’ll throw it in your face that he never wanted you to begin with should you ever think about leveraging the fact that you deserve to be treated right. Instead, you want to keep the ball in your court so we still respect the fact that there’s many more where we came from. Put the odds in our favor, make a subtle first move, THEN let us come to you. I’m Lance Armstrong positive this will work like a charm. Image

Thank me later.

-Derrick Jaxn