He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

ImageYou ain’t shit, never was shit, ain’t gone be shit, and ya Momma ain’t shit. Now what?

Some people feel that the difference between a real man and an “Ain’t shit” guy has absolutely nothing to do with a woman. Kinda true but…Newsflash: EVERY man has the potential to be both and there’s something to be said about the role a woman plays in what she’s presented. For instance:

When you go to the club, I bet you wear something a little sexy, you accept a few drinks, and you jirate the night away without a worry in the world. Right? But…if you’re in an interview for an office job, you’re probably not singing at the top of your lungs, in a 3 point stance, dropping it like it’s hot. What changed? Was it your character, your morals, or your home training? No. It was your environment, your surroundings, and the people around you in which you were intending to make an impression on. So this same principal applies to men. Remember, men are RE-actors. Working out is a reaction to women liking muscles, having a job is a reaction to women liking money, and wearing condoms is a reaction to STDs and surprise babies.

So what does that mean for you? If you’ve attracted yourself a real man, one that has intentions on pursuing marriage and a family with the next woman he encounters, you canImage completely ruin that by disrespecting him or even worse yourself. He can be up for the Nobel Peace Prize but that won’t keep him from bringing out the worst in him should you beckon for it with unnecessary stress.

“ALL HE WANTED WAS SEX…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY”

Real men catch hell on this one. How convenient it would be if we could detach our penises and put it in a safe until the time was right, but guess what, we don’t work like that.The problem is, when women sift through to the good men, they think our hormones are on ice waiting for us to make our mind up about who we’re going to marry, which is the case approximately 0.034% of the time(according to a recent study). You see, physical arousal is a God-given element of being human and an involuntary response to being attracted to someone. So yeah, real men like love sex too and it’s not fair for you to hold that against us.  But if that’s the only way you’re making yourself valuable to us, we will accept it with a smile, and leave shortly thereafter it gets old much like the trademark of the “ain’t shit” guy. You will go on to deem us as being just like the others you’ve dealt with, only telling the world the one-sided truth(which is a lie) about how we only wanted sex. But you want to know the common denominator in your ratio of a-holes to great guys? YOU. Address that part of the equation, and you will have a better chance of changing what it equals to.

“BUT A REAL MAN WILL SHOW A WOMAN THAT ALL GUYS AREN’T THE SAME”

ImageSo, you want me to go on about how a real man treats every woman like a queen? He kisses your feet, rubs your ears, does all the cooking, and even when you do look fat, he tells you that he loves your curves…. Ok, we’ll go with that. But even the cutest little kitten will attack like a lion if you rub it wrong. Your only job is to keep a man true to his identity. If he’s an “ain’t shit” guy, be the kind of self-respecting, strong, classy woman that repels him. Not the kind that makes him feel right at home(rolling his weed, playing Xbox with him when you know he’s supposed to be looking for a job, accepting his disrespect). No, that doesn’t mean holding your vagina as collateral until he makes it official, because if he has no loyalty, then his relationship title will remain Single no matter what you call it. He’ll wait out your 90 day rule while he sleeps with your best friend and uses your tax refund to pay for the baby shower.

If he’s a real man, be that environment that’s conducive to that. Stroke his ego every now and then(it’s OK), let him know you got his back, and always hold him accountable for meaning what he says and vice versa. Just like a real woman, a real man knows his worth and he’s not about to waste any of it on a girl who’s showing she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s in front of her. The cape is getting less and less popular the more modern day independent women show themselves, so don’t expect some “Man of Steel” to come saving you from all of the bad habits you’ve held onto over the years while you play victim like you owe him that responsibility. “Ain’t shit” guys are out there, but instead of trying to avoid them, focus on being the one they try to avoid.Image

-Derrick Jaxn

The Caring Contest

You ever met somebody that almost had you believing “Love at First Sight” was more than a myth? You know, they have the right smile, eyes blink the right way, and every word they say sounds like poetry. Unfortunately, those “right” things spark paranoia with anyone who’s ever had their hopes shot down before. Most people get stuck here and end up ruining something that stood a decent chance of being beautiful before it even begins. It’s a hard pill to swallow that people can’t always be trusted but overdosing isn’t the answer. Learn to let yourself TRY. The whole caring contest can really get petty to the point you refuse to text because you texted first the last time….sound familiar? Of course, allow the person to meet you halfway, but nothing’s wrong with giving a little effort instead of trying to let it all fall in your lap. Your pride is going to tell you that you deserve to be texted/called every time you feel like talking but what happens when he’s not exactly a mind reader? The worst feeling for a man is going out our way to be a chivalrous gentleman, spending our hard earned on a date, and barely getting a dry “thanks” in return. Most women who do that are trying to keep everyone on the same playing field so no one can get close enough to hurt them…but men are likely to assume you just don’t appreciate anything and leave. If you feel like you’re putting out too much, let him know and then if he doesn’t respond, react accordingly. That doesn’t make you ‘thirsty”. Chemistry is all too disposable nowadays it seems but you don’t want to make the mistake of trusting that amazing first impression to end up just like the rest, in dissappointment. Give yourself a chance to be loved. 🙂

-Jaxn

Think Like a Man….but What About Us?

So I’ve finally watched the movie, “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady” and I can truly say, job well done Steve. You’ve effectively convinced women to think they know how to trick a man into loving them the way they’ve always wanted. Trust me, I love women and want to help them find the love they deserve, but what Steve Harvey(who’s cheated on his wife several times)  conveniently neglected to mention is that not all men are like him. Taking the general conception that ‘Men ain’t shit’, he just categorized us all into those “good men waiting to happen” categories while there is actually a such thing as a good man just waiting for the right woman at the right time. I’m speaking from personal experience only but for instance:

1) The Mogul in the Making– Yes this is similar to the “dreamer” but not quite the same. This is the man who already has a lot going for himself and is focused on just that and nothing else. He’s a great guy, no criminal record, has good credit, morals etc. but he also has a plan for his life and a serious relationship and a family didn’t make the cut this round. Doesn’t mean he needs to be tricked, just a matter of time if you have the patience.

2) Shy Brotha– You all know the guy with no game, no swagger, no style? Well this is probably also the guy who’s willing to put you first if given the chance. Only thing is he can’t keep your attention because you’re looking for Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome with a 401k. No he may not approach you first, but if you shake those outdated traditions of “letting him come to you”, you’ll realize this great guy was just waiting to be found by a woman who knows treasure when she sees it.

3) Damaged Goods– “Ain’t Shit” women come a dime a dozen just like the men. So when they show their true colors to good men who chose to love them, there’s a grace period we need to regain our composure. No matter how tough we are, it’s this thing called human that makes it impossible to just brush off our shoulders when we invest our heart into someone who breaks it. He’s still a great guy, and because of that he’s going to want you to have your own clean slate rather than picking up where the last chick left off. He’s actually doing you a favor by not giving you what you want exactly when you want it.

I’m sure the list goes on of the kinds of men that are unsung in the topic of dating but those are the main three. Steve Harvey brought up an interesting topic and I appreciate that. Because women innately want to get what they want out of relationship rather than a mutual compromise from both sides, Steve’s movement will continue to thrive. He’s not wrong for seizing a business opportunity and giving us entertainment but be sure you can differentiate. I mean, don’t take advice from a comedian and then wonder why your love life is a joke. 🙂

-Jaxn

“Think Like A Man” = Bad Advice

The New York Best Seller and very popular relationship manual “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady” by love doctor  Steve Harvey has inspired a new movie to be released to the big screen on April 20th titled “Think Like a Man”. Harvey seems to have finally unlocked some of the most well-hidden secrets inside a man’s psyche when it comes to relationships and women everywhere are eating it up fresh out the bag. While I believe there’s a lot of validity to his principles and even some logic to the title, in 2012 that philosophy is well outdated. A woman who attempts to think like a man forgets she was made to think like a woman, and that is more than sufficient.

Also, it’s kind of hard to think like a man if you’ve never been one but hypothetically speaking, let’s say it is possible. First you have to understand the society that the man was brought into. Steve Harvey who was born in the 50’s was introduced to a completely different America than the likes of us who were born in the 80s and up. How we were taught to view love and relationships is a 180 of what it was 30 years prior. Generally speaking, men have been conditioned to view marriage as our complete doom, where freedom and happiness go to die. Women on the contrary have been conditioned to believe that it is the completion to womanhood and only the beginning to her true happiness. I know this sounds stereotypical but think about the father’s and husband’s roles in tv shows and movies. Is he not always talking to his son going down memory lane to “Back in his day” before he was married? Is not the bachelor parties before the wedding always glorified as the most fun he’ll have the rest of his life? You never see men flashing their engagement ring to their friends who jump up and down in joy for him…but for women you do. The list goes on and on of the subtle implications that marriage is more for women than men which trickles down into many patterns of behavior in the years leading up to that point. There are definitely men who grow out of this system but to do so is to go against the grain, and there are many more who still fall victim to it. Those men are the ones who chose to be a product of their experiences, rather than a product of their environment. To truly understand what I mean, you might have to be a man but even as a woman, you may see some logic to the point I’m making because the same is true vice-versa. We’ll never truly understand the ins and outs of being a woman either. All that we can do is play the role of what God originally designated and let Him handle the rest. 🙂

-Jaxn

Does Facebook Ruin Relationships??

I always find it intriguing the level of emphasis that people will put on a person’s “Facebook relationship status”. I even heard a friend of mine use the phrase “Facebook Official” as she proudly claimed the new level of her and her boyfriend’s relationship advancement. My question is, how important is it? Does Facebook ruin relationships? Is it only real if it’s on Facebook for the world to see? Well let’s dig a bit deeper…

Before Facebook, there were actually such things as real relationships so I’ll venture to say that it’s not dictated today by what your online profile reads. Facebook serves as a technological engagement ring and that’s where people, particularly women, refuse to deem the relationship real without it. What I mean is, it’s an outward expression for the world to see and recognize that you are committing to that person. Also, it serves as an accountability reference so that no one can ever say, “Well I didn’t know you guys were together”. It can be a beautiful thing when you want to tag pictures of your night out and people can validate you happy faces, mushy statuses, etc. with an official stamp by Facebook. But that’s only one side….on the OTHER side;

Your Facebook relationship status can be just the tool someone needs who’s looking to rain on your picnic.Usually this person is unhappy with themself, mad at anyone doing better than they are, or just want what you have…trust me, those people do exist. When you put your relationship on display before it’s had time to develop past the initial ups and downs that come with it, it’s highly susceptible to the creativity of those unhappy people. The excitement of being in a relationship often times blinds us from the fact that we’ve yet to set a solid foundation ready to withstand…”haters”. Now don’t get me wrong, in no way am I saying that Facebook ruins relationships, because if that’s the case then forks make people fat and pencils mispell words. What I do advise is letting your relationship develop a bit before  becoming “Facebook Official” if you’d like to increase your chances of something “Lawfully Official“. 🙂

-Jaxn