12 Things She Wishes You Understood

1.She’s a lover, but she’ll fight for you.

2.She’s not jealous, she just doesn’t want to lose you.

3.She’s not just emotional, she’s passionate.

4.She’s not stupid, she just trusted you.

5.She’s not needy, but she deserves your attention.

6.She’s not insecure, but she wants you to find her attractive.

7.She’s not rushing things, she just doesn’t have time for games.

8.She’s not judgmental, she just realizes your potential.

9.She doesn’t have trust issues, but she hates being lied to.

10.She loves the thought of being all yours, but not if you flirt with everyone else.

11.She’s not “too sensitive”, but she does have feelings.

12.She knows she’s complicated, but she still wishes you understood. 

-Derrick Jaxn

Valentine’s Day- A Side Chick’s Worst Nightmare

So it’s that time of year where the rose pedals are falling, the wine is pouring, and theImage touchdowns are being scored. If you’re one of the lucky ones, your only challenge is to figure out how to innovate from last year to get exactly what you get at the end of the night you always get. As for the other 80% of single and It’s complicated America, this holiday should be banned. Single women are updating the “Independent Chick” playlists and getting ready to join forces with their single friends and pretend they don’t feel the pressure together. Yet and still, there’s no one with more on their plate than those riding the fence; the mistresses better known as “side-chicks'”

This is something like an American Idol audition for them and they’re either going to Hollywood or getting sent back home after waiting in line for so long for their big break. Oblivious to the fact they’ve been instructed to never tag pictures on Facebook without permission, that there’s never any planned dates but instead a random “Hey let’s chill” text, or how sitting on the edge of the bed watching Netflix is his idea of a dinner date; the hope that she’s really his one and only is still alive. No doubt about it, the side chicks are more nervous than a trick-or-treater asking Jerry Sandusky for candy on Halloween, but I’m here to help. If you want to make sure you’re not getting your hopes up for nothing, answer these questions:

side-chick11. Did your “man” start an argument with you? Starting an argument is a great excuse for a guy to plead his case about why he figured you wouldn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. If he’s lucky you’ll even give him the silent treatment until it’s over.

2. Does he give you an “I have a dream” speech about why he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day? Maybe because it’s just a conspiracy from the government to make money or that instead of just one day, every day should be a day to prove one’s affection? Well, if a guy’s really into you, then any reason to treat you special and put a smile on your face is a good one. Just so you know.

3. Is he complaining about hitting tough financial times because he’s still waiting on his tax money? That’s what we call the good ole’ rope-a-dope. Just one of the many ways to stall while Valentine’s Day turns into your way of proving you understand and can hang in there when the going gets tough.

4. Did something come up that’s going to take him out of town on that very day which either means celebrating early or a little later? Right…because it’s the occasion not the actual day that really matters. Truth is, his main girl ain’t tryna hear that, but you don’t have much of a choice.  It’s either that or just get straight up cut from the team; Or even worse, stood up.

Now you may have answered ‘No’ to these questions, but it doesn’t quite guarantee your position as the main woman. It just gives you a much better chance of seeing the flashing red lights before the train comes and you’re stuck on the tracks. When it comes man-cheating-med-newto keeping a rotation of faithful side chicks, guys will update their lies faster than the iPhone. As soon as you think you have one figured out there’s a brand new one, faster and better than the last. Besides, being a guy’s main chick isn’t any more an esteemed position than being the main one to use your toothbrush this morning. Step your self-respect up, you deserve it.

-Derrick Jaxn

Turning A Ho Into A HouseHusband

You know the saying,”You can’t turn a ho into a housewife” but is the same true for men? Most times people(primarily women) like to apply the same logic with females to males but it’s a completely different ball game. We don’t think the same, feel the same, or react

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the same 90 percent of the time. That remaining ten percent is usually with a homosexual man but as for the other 90, you can NOT change a ho into a house husband. You can, however, be the reason for that man’s change and still be the beneficiary of the new him.

What happens is, a man and woman will have a strong connection, great chemistry, and physically drawn to one another, but that man is still a slave to his single ways. While this is a red flag, wasting the potential of what could be special is a last resort so you try anyway. Then you start getting comfortable with the deep conversations and quality time, only to learn that you couldn’t change him after all. Now he’s a cheater and once a cheater, always a cheater right? WRONG! But a broken heart is hardly understanding, so you don’t want to hear it. He seemed liked the perfect guy for you, but now you see he’s just like all the other guys. Even though he starts doing everything to get you back, the trust has been severed and eventually you decided to just cut him off for good. This is the part where a lot of women go wrong. While your girlfriends are patting you on the back, you know deep down that something’s just not right about how you handled it. Your man cheated, so by no means does he DESERVE a second chance. However, if you feel like he’s worth it, there’s a right way to give him one. That way he doesn’t move on to another very happy relationship with a new woman; All because he was so heartbroken from making a choice that led to losing you, which was just what he needed to realize that cheating isn’t worth all the trouble it brings. Not only would you be stuck with a scarred heart, but also with the reality  you put in the work, and she showed up to cash your check. Then you’ll be wondering, “Was it me?“.

So the right way to give a second chance, is LATER. Don’t make the mistake of immediately taking him back once he brings flowers, checks in every night, and takes the lock off his phone to show you he’s serious. All that does is show him there’s a way out in case he “slips up” again. You need to leave him but not permanently. This way, cheating will be associated with losing you for good by giving him a small taste of what it’d be like. They say you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone, but sometimes a reminder is worth some consideration. You have to do more than just make it “Facebook official”. This means no sex, no dates, no NOTHING…outside of casual small talk. Keep in contact with him so that he doesn’t lose hope in having another shot which is necessary for the process of this change to happen. Otherwise, he’ll accept that it’s not going to happen and move on. A good thing about creating this space between you two is not only does it open his eyes to a grim reality he doesn’t want to last any longer than it has to, but it also helps you dust off your heart and pick up some pieces that were on the ground broken.

This is only for the man you really feel like is worth the second chance. NOT the guy who’s putting his phone face down and on silent when you chill together. NOT the guy you call and he texts you back. NOT the guy who “accidentally” untags your couple’s pics online. NOT the guy who brings you and his side chick to counseling so you all can have a much healthier love triangle…Image

The man who’s been there for you when you needed him and is willing to do anything to make things right. Men cheat and it should NOT be tolerated. But don’t let another woman get what God had for you just because the timing you chose was wrong. If you’re going to go through the pain and suffering of renovating the house then you damn well deserve to be the one living in it when it’s good and remodeled.

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-Derrick Jaxn

A Cheating Man’s Heart…

Based on a true story…

ImageI love my woman, no doubt. If she needed somebody in her corner, I’d be there rain, sleet, hail, or snow. I’d do anything for her. I’d lay down my life if it meant saving hers, give my last to see to her needs being met, fight to the death in her honor if I had to. This undoubtedly is the woman I want to spend my life with. But there’s just this one thing..

I cheated.

And I did it again. After the first time it was like…I don’t know it was like a drug. I experienced the high then immediately the low mixed with guilt.  But ultimately I craved it again, and more so the next time. I can’t blame the dealers, they used me like I use them, but stopping my abuse didn’t reverse the damage. I don’t even feel in control any more. I’m disgusted with the straight face I can put on when she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me, yet I reciprocate the message because my heart is above my waist out of any outsider’s reach. While emotionally faithful as I may be, physically I no longer am and to her, there may be no separation. If she finds out she may forgive me, she may not, but she’ll never be the same. A broken trust will deal a fatal blow to her peace of mind,  so I’m willing to die with this guilt no matter how heavy the burden gets. They say if you really love someone you’ll just tell them the truth. Like it’s that simple. But the truth is looking to take away the best thing that ever happened to me on the account of my aptitude to make mistakes…. but its ability to destroy is only in its potential to be known. Like I set a train in motion that can’t be stopped without the power to turn back time…and my options are to either let it collide with her head on, or to derail it off course to temporarily save both of our lives. Maybe it’s a selfish ambition, but in the same way I hold her heart, she holds mine. To lose her is to lose both and I don’t know how to brace myself for that or if I even want to.

So many things running across my mind right now that I just don’t understand and the world has no empathy for my sentiments. They just dehumanize me. People can’t fathom a love that lives in disloyalty…but everyone loves God and is disloyal to Him. Maybe it’s possible to believe in something you can’t live up to. The plight of  trying to walk along the lines of perfection where the fellow imperfects draw them only adds to the frustration. When you’re wrong, nobody cares that you’re human but that doesn’t change that fact that I am. I’m having to grow up at her expense and playing Russian Roulette with our love in the process. I want an answer, but I am the problem, incapable of being understood. Image

-Derrick Jaxn

A New Chapter….Same Book

Ok, so some of you may have noticed that I’ve been on somewhat a hiatus as of late. I’ve been collecting my thoughts on several subjects and just wanted to filter them before I spread the curtain. I guess the main one would be on the subject of women, trust issues, etc. It’s ironic that I almost made that one in the same of a genre of topics but in 2012 it seems to go hand in hand..

In my encounters with women, I’ve always believed in a kind of woman or a particular woman rather, that I’ll be be able to trust 100% with everything I am. A mistaken preconception to say the least but it’s not a bad thing. It’s unfortunate, but only realistic and human that nobody can be trusted 100%. We can’t even hold ourselves to our own expectations, much less meet someone else’s. So I’ve been wondering if trust is an all or nothing deal or can you trust someone….kinda? It really changes my entire perception of the “perfect for me” girl. It was a blissful yet naive dream turned nightmare. Just like when you first wake up in the morning, and those initial moments, you’re confused about where you are, what day it is, and what woke you up… well I’m trying to shake off the sleep and get on with my day to day. I never regret my past, because I always learn something with every person that goes through that revolving door of false alarms and close calls of love and friendship. For everyone knows that mistakes are only mistakes when you don’t learn. So to every former “friend” and “true love”, thank/fuck you for the lesson…. 🙂

-Jaxn

I want that_______ kind of love

 

Yeah, I want thatImage kind of love. It’s hard enough being a black family in America, but try running the country while you’re at it. I have nothing but admiration for these two. No man has any excuse to say he’s “too busy” for his woman with President Barack always MAKING time for his family. Michelle is also a prime example on how to play her part while Barack handles his business as shown in the picture. She’s not disturbing him or nagging him, but she’s there encouraging him and posted in case he does need some assistance. Playing her part doesn’t mean being a subordinate which is what we often get confused. I’m not saving the world like Obama but when I’m handling my own business I crave for those “Michelle” qualities.

 At times when I’m playing too much or out of line, I still need that Image kind of love. That, no matter how irrational I’m acting, she still loves me for me type of love. A good man is still a man. We mess up, speak without thinking, etc just like the next. I can’t always be perfect but I want to be worth it to my lady. Martin was short, goofy, wasn’t making a lot of money, but Gina put up with anything to hold her man down. Even though Martin had his ways, he still stayed true to his woman and that’s the way it should be. They MADE it work no matter what. Yeah yeah yeah, it’s just on tv but I’m crazy enough to believe it’s still possible. 🙂

-Jaxn

What He Won’t Do, Another Man Will

ImageHearing this phrase is like walking in a port-a-potty barefoot. Yeah it disgusts me. I guess it’s supposed to put men in our “place” or show us how replaceable we are but it shows me a lot about a girls maturity or lack thereof when she says it. I say that because women are applying this thought to serious relationships as opposed to casual dates as it was meant to be. Why are you still shopping around for what another man will do? You’re going to end up losing a good man trying to live your life by these Google quotes. The grass ain’t always greener on the other side and this quote doesn’t have to go home to that lonely bed once you find out, you do.

Sure, if you’re not looking for anything serious, keeping your options open, by all means point him the other direction when he doesn’t meet your standards. But if you’ve got a good man, an “80%”, this quote will send you chasing that 20% for the rest of your life. Yes I do consider myself a “catch” and like most, I have pretty high standards for the woman I’m looking to build my future with. As soon as she says this, I know her mind is still in a place I left mine years ago and it’s time to keep it moving. Why you’re with me can’t be about what I “do” for you anyway, it should be about who I am and how that fits into your life. Watching these “reality” TV shows is slowly deteriorating our women’s sense of what it takes to grow with someone. I know this doesn’t apply to all women but there’s a growing population of those who don’t seem to know any better. For those who do, please break bread and be your sister’s keeper. For me. 🙂

-Jaxn

Unapproachable <<<—– Is This You?

Women love to be met, but tend to neglect their responsibility to be ready. This comes from years of misguided advice from media and mentors who didn’t have any more a clue than they did about how to attract the right guy. Being ready is to be approachable, not ‘appealing’.

I believe it starts at the first impression. For whatever reason, it seems like women want men to surprise them with their introduction, and call it being “original”. If this was a talent show, fine, but in real life a bland “Hi, how are you?” may be as genuine as it gets. Women have to stop expecting men to jump through flaming hoops reciting Shakespeare. I can see how it’s convenient for women to sit back and say, “Show me what you got”, but keep in mind there’s very creative assholes out there. Don’t make the first cuts based on the ‘hello’ unless it’s just way left field(i.e. “Ay yo bitch” is unnacceptable). Pick up on more subtle signs that are less voluntary. For instance, where does his eyes focus in the first 2 minutes of conversation? Being up close gives us a very tempting opportunity to see better what we couldn’t from a far especially when we have a hidden agenda. Knowing what too look for speaks to your priorities and therefore what kind of men are making it through your filter. Also, be careful of the subtle signals you send as well. A man with genuine intentions will do everything but run the other way when an attractive woman rolls her eyes unwelcoming his presence.

This brings me to my next point; The difference between Mr. Right approaching you and keeping his distance could also be your demeanor. Shake the whole “bad bitch” ora that you put on to prove how self-assured you are in public. You know the type; the road is her runway, nothing’s cool enough for her attention, if it rained she’d drown for her nose being so high, etc. While nothing’s wrong with looking and feeling great, men tend to feel more comfortable approaching women whos’ heads are still on their shoulders. I’ve even found that some women get approached more when in their comfortable wear which could very well speak to that point. It doesn’t mean he’s not “man enough”, but rather he doesn’t need any more stress in his life. Long story short, confident not cocky is ALWAYS the way to go.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the kind of guy you’re in to. You’ll always be approachable to somebody, but who do you want that to be? Hint: Mr. Right 🙂

-Jaxn

Trust Issues: How to Prevent Them

There’s a small group of people in this world that have never been betrayed or had their trust broken. As for the other 100% of us, we have or have had our share of trust issues. In my attempt to diagnose, prevent, and cure them, I’ve found that trust issues in essence are rooted in fear. The way that we normally rectify our fears is to face them but with matters of the heart, that can yield some very severe drawbacks. If you’re like most people then you’ve probably resulted to a state of “emotional independence” where we refuse to trust anyone again with our heart. Despite that all or nothing alternative that rarely works, I’ve come up with a few ways to steer clear of trust issues.

One way is to alter our expectations of what it means to be “trustworthy”. Given that we’re dealing with humans, we have to allow room for some mistakes; Alter, but not lower them so that we don’t become people’s doormats.Too many times we expect people to keep it 100% “real” with us but how many people are that with themselves? You for instance; how many times have you told yourself that you “don’t care” or “won’t do that again” without so much as crossing your fingers?…..Don’t worry, I’ll wait…….

Another way to lessen your chance of acquiring trust issues is to lengthen the time it takes for a person to gain your trust. No, I don’t mean haze them as a way of proving themselves. More times than not, your “trust boot camp” will only run them away. Just take your time. Lies are normally impatient but the truth is in no hurry, so give it time to reveal itself as just that.

The last way is to observe that person’s moral fiber. If they have none, you can count on them to hold very little importance on things like trust. People tend to be consistent with their character so don’t think someone is going to lie to everybody they know except you. This is where the quote “How he treats his momma is how he’ll treat you” comes from.

Other than that, you’ll have to take your risks just like everyone else. Just remember, the biggest risk is not taking one. 🙂

-Jaxn

Natural Hair vs. Processed Hair

Ethnic women are transitioning into what seems to be a nationwide phenomena of self-empowerment and confidence using their hair. What seemed to be just another trend with changing times is becoming more and more a movement that will be here to stay. So my question is, what does it really mean to have natural hair versus permed or processed hair?

There’s a bit of a disconect for me when women with natural hair talk about their transition from processed hair. I’m not sure if I understand how growing your hair with no added chemicals means your authenticity is enhanced when other things such as make-up, shaving, etc aren’t a problem. I do, however, understand that there’s a stigma that European-influenced ways of styling are more accepted as opposed to our ethnic roots here in America. If you’re taking a stance to oppose the norms and openly express your pride then by all means, more power to you. At the same time, I can’t condone the misconception that those with permed or relaxed hair are sub-par ethnic women who aren’t taking pride in their heritage. Permed hair, natural hair, no hair, etc….women of color are beautiful and no mistake was made upon your creation. A perm, relaxer, nor locks will change that. I love women who make that statement of pride, but I equally appreciate the woman who feels she can switch it up and still retain her presence as a confident ethnic woman. Uplifting one another and embodying class represents true beauty to me. I love natural hair and what it represents but to the women with permed hair, you are still very much appreciated and if you don‘t hear it from anyone else, I love you dearly. 🙂

-Jaxn