12 Things She Wishes You Understood

1.She’s a lover, but she’ll fight for you.

2.She’s not jealous, she just doesn’t want to lose you.

3.She’s not just emotional, she’s passionate.

4.She’s not stupid, she just trusted you.

5.She’s not needy, but she deserves your attention.

6.She’s not insecure, but she wants you to find her attractive.

7.She’s not rushing things, she just doesn’t have time for games.

8.She’s not judgmental, she just realizes your potential.

9.She doesn’t have trust issues, but she hates being lied to.

10.She loves the thought of being all yours, but not if you flirt with everyone else.

11.She’s not “too sensitive”, but she does have feelings.

12.She knows she’s complicated, but she still wishes you understood. 

-Derrick Jaxn

Valentine’s Day- A Side Chick’s Worst Nightmare

So it’s that time of year where the rose pedals are falling, the wine is pouring, and theImage touchdowns are being scored. If you’re one of the lucky ones, your only challenge is to figure out how to innovate from last year to get exactly what you get at the end of the night you always get. As for the other 80% of single and It’s complicated America, this holiday should be banned. Single women are updating the “Independent Chick” playlists and getting ready to join forces with their single friends and pretend they don’t feel the pressure together. Yet and still, there’s no one with more on their plate than those riding the fence; the mistresses better known as “side-chicks'”

This is something like an American Idol audition for them and they’re either going to Hollywood or getting sent back home after waiting in line for so long for their big break. Oblivious to the fact they’ve been instructed to never tag pictures on Facebook without permission, that there’s never any planned dates but instead a random “Hey let’s chill” text, or how sitting on the edge of the bed watching Netflix is his idea of a dinner date; the hope that she’s really his one and only is still alive. No doubt about it, the side chicks are more nervous than a trick-or-treater asking Jerry Sandusky for candy on Halloween, but I’m here to help. If you want to make sure you’re not getting your hopes up for nothing, answer these questions:

side-chick11. Did your “man” start an argument with you? Starting an argument is a great excuse for a guy to plead his case about why he figured you wouldn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. If he’s lucky you’ll even give him the silent treatment until it’s over.

2. Does he give you an “I have a dream” speech about why he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day? Maybe because it’s just a conspiracy from the government to make money or that instead of just one day, every day should be a day to prove one’s affection? Well, if a guy’s really into you, then any reason to treat you special and put a smile on your face is a good one. Just so you know.

3. Is he complaining about hitting tough financial times because he’s still waiting on his tax money? That’s what we call the good ole’ rope-a-dope. Just one of the many ways to stall while Valentine’s Day turns into your way of proving you understand and can hang in there when the going gets tough.

4. Did something come up that’s going to take him out of town on that very day which either means celebrating early or a little later? Right…because it’s the occasion not the actual day that really matters. Truth is, his main girl ain’t tryna hear that, but you don’t have much of a choice.  It’s either that or just get straight up cut from the team; Or even worse, stood up.

Now you may have answered ‘No’ to these questions, but it doesn’t quite guarantee your position as the main woman. It just gives you a much better chance of seeing the flashing red lights before the train comes and you’re stuck on the tracks. When it comes man-cheating-med-newto keeping a rotation of faithful side chicks, guys will update their lies faster than the iPhone. As soon as you think you have one figured out there’s a brand new one, faster and better than the last. Besides, being a guy’s main chick isn’t any more an esteemed position than being the main one to use your toothbrush this morning. Step your self-respect up, you deserve it.

-Derrick Jaxn

He’s Just Not My “Type”

perfect guySo you’re not quite the Next Top Model, but you’re attractive enough so that you do have options. You’re sure of what you want and refuse to settle for less but guys are either turn offs or not who they say they are. Well the problem could be in the laundry list of qualifications you expect your man to meet. “I want a bad boy, a lot of money, and that ain’t afraid to put me in my place when I start talkin’ crazy.” That’s music to an “Ain’t Shit” dude’s ears. Most women choose men based on the most superficial things like these but as you mature, so should your standards. Being tired of running into all the wrong guys while passing up the good guys is like hating spicy foods and drinking hot sauce. You’re doing it to yourself. Mr. Right might statistically be the most average and unimpressive guy who can’t make the cut because he’s not 6’5 with abs and a 401k. When you define your type, it should include more than just personality and looks but also character. It doesn’t matter how “fine” and “funny” a guy is, if he can’t be FAITHFUL you’re only hurting yourself by entertaining him.65873_576660065694957_345076575_n

What you’re using to attract these guys is also directly related to who’s coming your way. You don’t see people throwing out catnip when they go fishing for a reason. Same thing goes for when you wear the painted on jeans or have your cleavage hitting you in the chin then tell guys it’s what’s on the inside that counts. We’re pretty easy to confuse and that will do just the trick. You want to catch and keep the good guys, then use good guy bait; Self-respect, patience, and class.

Now if you’re one of those looking for a guy by reasonable standards but they never turn out to be who they say they are, then I have a suggestion; When you’re getting to know him, stop asking those Myspace ass questions about his favorite colors and start asking things he’s not so used to lying about. Something like “What things did you go through that taught you the value of hard work?” or “Do you have a favorite author?” etc. Those are the kinds of questions that will show you where a man’s at intellectually and with his maturity. Besides, impressing you should take more than a visit to the barbershop and a few lyrics from Drake.  If he can’t take the lead on a mentally stimulating conversation, then he’s showing you one of his colors and it rhymes with red flag.

Don’t make it so easy on us. Observe whether or not what a man’s saying is consistent with his life. He can’t be telling you he’s a responsible guy yet living well beyond his means because he heard it in a rap song. We have an idea on what most women are looking for so you have to put forth the effort of removing yourself from that majority. We’ll either respect you more for it or remove ourselves from the situation because we know we’re not on your level. It may take some lonely nights and awkward Stevie-J-Joseline-Hernandez-pimpmoments when your friends are flashing their engagement rings, but don’t settle for less than you deserve. A woman who knows her worth is an “Ain’t Shit” guy’s worst nightmare.

Women Who Make The First Move Are….

….usually women who see what they want, and go after it. There’s this misconception being spread by a particular relationship expert(I won’t call names), that women who make the first move are thirsty and selling themselves short. She, like a lot of women, don’t understand why a man might not be so quick to approach you. Typically women will just claim that they’re “old fashioned” to justify sitting back and letting Imagemen come to them but slavery is old fashioned too; doesn’t make it right. Whatever you do, don’t turn into one of these, “A real man ain’t scared to make the first move” types because Eharmony will be knocking on your door by age 40 when all the good men are taken.

It’s not about being scared. It’s about whether or not the odds are in our favor. We assess the situation and get in where we fit in which sometimes means staying out. The same way a basketball player could pull up for the jumper, but if the entire opposing team is guarding him, he’ll more than likely opt out. Given that not every guy is Kobe in the 4th quarter, we don’t want to ruin our chances we might have to try another time. It doesn’t help if you have 20 of your girlfriends with you to multiply the hImageumiliation should you perform your best “boy bye” once the stage is yours.  You find it cute but while it boosts your ego it depletes ours. No other woman is going to want to entertain the guy who just got shot down. Imagine if you saw it happen and he came to you next…..right.

“I intimidate most men ” Whoa… Slow your role. Sure, it’s a comforting thought how you’re so sexy, that while the strong may survive, the meek shall not inherit your earth….but chill.  Some men really don’t care whether you say yes or no, they’ll approach you out of sheer apathy because the part of you they really want comes a dime a dozen. The guy who’s looking for that one in a million at least cares about the chance to get to know you.  Besides, it doesn’t take a ‘brave’ man to approImageach you the same way it doesn’t take a brave man to see somebody shooting at them and refuse to duck. Some dudes just have their ‘give-a-shit’ knob broken. That’s the same guy that sees you coming out the health clinic in tears but will stop you to say, “Ay yo ma, come holla at me”.

You may think it’s unladylike to make the first move if you have the wrong idea about what constitutes one. The first move can be as subtle as eye contact WITHOUT looking away when you see him looking at you, or opening up a conversation with a friendly “hi”. Unless all you want is sex, you shouldn’t make any overly aggressive moves like buying drinks or winking. If at some point he doesn’t take the lead in the moves being made, then he’s just not that into you. It’s not a detriment to your ambition so don’t think you have to try harder because your face will hurt even more when you fall flat on it.   It’s a lot of pressure on men to be mind readers and know the difference between a woman who’s attracted to us or just being “flirty”, but if you give us just a little hint, then we’ll fly with it. But giving us a I haven’t had my coffee today look when we step to you tends to clip our wings.

Also understand that by first move, I don’t mean 2nd, 3rd and 20th. Chasing anyone is an absolute hell-no. Last time I checked, you could only chase something that’s trying to get away. Either he wants you or he doesn’t. Even if you win his game of playing hard to get, at the end of the day he’ll throw it in your face that he never wanted you to begin with should you ever think about leveraging the fact that you deserve to be treated right. Instead, you want to keep the ball in your court so we still respect the fact that there’s many more where we came from. Put the odds in our favor, make a subtle first move, THEN let us come to you. I’m Lance Armstrong positive this will work like a charm. Image

Thank me later.

-Derrick Jaxn

Turning A Ho Into A HouseHusband

You know the saying,”You can’t turn a ho into a housewife” but is the same true for men? Most times people(primarily women) like to apply the same logic with females to males but it’s a completely different ball game. We don’t think the same, feel the same, or react

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the same 90 percent of the time. That remaining ten percent is usually with a homosexual man but as for the other 90, you can NOT change a ho into a house husband. You can, however, be the reason for that man’s change and still be the beneficiary of the new him.

What happens is, a man and woman will have a strong connection, great chemistry, and physically drawn to one another, but that man is still a slave to his single ways. While this is a red flag, wasting the potential of what could be special is a last resort so you try anyway. Then you start getting comfortable with the deep conversations and quality time, only to learn that you couldn’t change him after all. Now he’s a cheater and once a cheater, always a cheater right? WRONG! But a broken heart is hardly understanding, so you don’t want to hear it. He seemed liked the perfect guy for you, but now you see he’s just like all the other guys. Even though he starts doing everything to get you back, the trust has been severed and eventually you decided to just cut him off for good. This is the part where a lot of women go wrong. While your girlfriends are patting you on the back, you know deep down that something’s just not right about how you handled it. Your man cheated, so by no means does he DESERVE a second chance. However, if you feel like he’s worth it, there’s a right way to give him one. That way he doesn’t move on to another very happy relationship with a new woman; All because he was so heartbroken from making a choice that led to losing you, which was just what he needed to realize that cheating isn’t worth all the trouble it brings. Not only would you be stuck with a scarred heart, but also with the reality  you put in the work, and she showed up to cash your check. Then you’ll be wondering, “Was it me?“.

So the right way to give a second chance, is LATER. Don’t make the mistake of immediately taking him back once he brings flowers, checks in every night, and takes the lock off his phone to show you he’s serious. All that does is show him there’s a way out in case he “slips up” again. You need to leave him but not permanently. This way, cheating will be associated with losing you for good by giving him a small taste of what it’d be like. They say you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone, but sometimes a reminder is worth some consideration. You have to do more than just make it “Facebook official”. This means no sex, no dates, no NOTHING…outside of casual small talk. Keep in contact with him so that he doesn’t lose hope in having another shot which is necessary for the process of this change to happen. Otherwise, he’ll accept that it’s not going to happen and move on. A good thing about creating this space between you two is not only does it open his eyes to a grim reality he doesn’t want to last any longer than it has to, but it also helps you dust off your heart and pick up some pieces that were on the ground broken.

This is only for the man you really feel like is worth the second chance. NOT the guy who’s putting his phone face down and on silent when you chill together. NOT the guy you call and he texts you back. NOT the guy who “accidentally” untags your couple’s pics online. NOT the guy who brings you and his side chick to counseling so you all can have a much healthier love triangle…Image

The man who’s been there for you when you needed him and is willing to do anything to make things right. Men cheat and it should NOT be tolerated. But don’t let another woman get what God had for you just because the timing you chose was wrong. If you’re going to go through the pain and suffering of renovating the house then you damn well deserve to be the one living in it when it’s good and remodeled.

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-Derrick Jaxn

Hailed Then Nailed

Everyone wants to be a superstar. I mean what could possibly be better than living out your dream in front of huge crowds, making millions, and having the  time of your life? Well, I can think of a few things  because you can’t just be a celebrity without owing the world something in return. In most cases, your personal life fits the bill. Sports analysts, news broadcasters, Windy Williams and the likes continue to sell the souls of celebrities for better ratings. I think we’ve forgotten that behind the images we’re sold of the rich and famous are real humans. They eat, sleep, and hurt just like the rest of us. It’s hilarious(as in sad) that we talk down about somebody and in the same breath say “Only God Can Judge Me”.  We love giving a damn with no permission don’t we?Image

Let’s not even get into who’s casting the first stone, but why is it we’re throwing them at the mirror? We’ll yawn past every spectacular thing a talented black person does, but on the first and final strike, we’re fake caring about somebody like that puts us in the VIP line through the pearly gates. Prime examples; Chris Brown and Chad (Ocho-Cinco) Johnson.  Both of them, black super stars, yet aggressors in domestic violence altercations. Now I don’t condone that, outside of the most extreme circumstances(which I doubt was the case with either of them). I also have plenty of my own business to mind rather than borrowing theirs. It’s nothing wrong with disagreeing or even hating the acts of these men, but to let these isolated events define and embody them both personally and professionally….is a little unfair. All for what? So we can feel not so bad about falling short of the success they’ve earned?  Or are we so brainwashed that when we see a black superstar, it doesn’t make sense unless something  goes wrong?

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It’s disturbing that when there’s  any bias from us toward us, it’s not in favor of our own. Everybody hated Chris Brown when it was the cool thing to do. Even though his career’s resurrected with consecutive hit songs, a Grammy award and several nominations since the domestic altercation, he’s still answering to the world of sinners for not being perfect. 4 years later, some of us are holding on to the burden of hate for the only rightful owner, Rihanna, who’s long since let it go. Kanye said it best, “People never get the flowers while they can still smell ’em”. If they do, it’s not before we pluck the pedals leaving only the thorns. We force our stars to pay one hell of a price for pursuing their dreams and being good at it. I haven’t even been around that long and already I see a pattern. They live, we hate, they die, we perform tributes and buy t-shirts as we proudly pretend we loved them all along. Or am I the only one who noticed…?

Honorable Mentions of Extremely Talented Black People We Hailed Then Nailed

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Gabrielle Douglas. Her pony tail was sweating out…. as she set olympic records for a country that gives her two n half strikes for being a female, African-American, and dark skinned at that.

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Kanye West. Musical GENIUS. Lost his mother, months later was intoxicated and spoke out of turn at an awards show.

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Lebron James. Broadcasted his decision to leave an athletic program with a horrible team and franchise that was hardly promising. Also donated $1 million to charity from the proceeds that no one mentions. Hands down one of the best athletes of ALL TIME(not up for debate).

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Whitney Houston. Did drugs. Possibly one of the most remarkable vocalists to ever live and was the first black woman recognized as “America’s Sweetheart”.

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Michael Jackson. Accused of child molestation in which I don’t believe he was ever guilty of. This man was amazing and even that’s an understatement. He paved the way for black and white artists today who don’t even come close to his level.

A Cheating Man’s Heart…

Based on a true story…

ImageI love my woman, no doubt. If she needed somebody in her corner, I’d be there rain, sleet, hail, or snow. I’d do anything for her. I’d lay down my life if it meant saving hers, give my last to see to her needs being met, fight to the death in her honor if I had to. This undoubtedly is the woman I want to spend my life with. But there’s just this one thing..

I cheated.

And I did it again. After the first time it was like…I don’t know it was like a drug. I experienced the high then immediately the low mixed with guilt.  But ultimately I craved it again, and more so the next time. I can’t blame the dealers, they used me like I use them, but stopping my abuse didn’t reverse the damage. I don’t even feel in control any more. I’m disgusted with the straight face I can put on when she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me, yet I reciprocate the message because my heart is above my waist out of any outsider’s reach. While emotionally faithful as I may be, physically I no longer am and to her, there may be no separation. If she finds out she may forgive me, she may not, but she’ll never be the same. A broken trust will deal a fatal blow to her peace of mind,  so I’m willing to die with this guilt no matter how heavy the burden gets. They say if you really love someone you’ll just tell them the truth. Like it’s that simple. But the truth is looking to take away the best thing that ever happened to me on the account of my aptitude to make mistakes…. but its ability to destroy is only in its potential to be known. Like I set a train in motion that can’t be stopped without the power to turn back time…and my options are to either let it collide with her head on, or to derail it off course to temporarily save both of our lives. Maybe it’s a selfish ambition, but in the same way I hold her heart, she holds mine. To lose her is to lose both and I don’t know how to brace myself for that or if I even want to.

So many things running across my mind right now that I just don’t understand and the world has no empathy for my sentiments. They just dehumanize me. People can’t fathom a love that lives in disloyalty…but everyone loves God and is disloyal to Him. Maybe it’s possible to believe in something you can’t live up to. The plight of  trying to walk along the lines of perfection where the fellow imperfects draw them only adds to the frustration. When you’re wrong, nobody cares that you’re human but that doesn’t change that fact that I am. I’m having to grow up at her expense and playing Russian Roulette with our love in the process. I want an answer, but I am the problem, incapable of being understood. Image

-Derrick Jaxn

Mistake….n Love

I recently had a conversation with a young lady discussing our pasts which always turns out to be interesting. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they analyze their experiences. She told me that in her last relationship, she never loved her ex even though she thought she did. Pretty normal right? I mean we’ve all been there and I, like everyone else, know that lust comes before love. So, I continued to listen hoping there was some kind of epiphany she had at the end of it all.

As she talked, the possible explanations of what she felt kept switching until she just concluded, “ya know I guess I never really thought about it”. First of all, when dealing with the heart, things all but slip your mind. They haunt you until you’re so exhausted you just give up or make sense of it and few of us are so lucky to do the latter. So I called her defense mechanism’s bluff right off the bat but what bothered me is that she still hadn’t figured it out. You can’t treat an illness that you haven’t diagnosed. I proceeded with caution from then on and I use the term “proceeded” loosely.

I decided long ago that I’ve had enough heartbreaks to last me a lifetime so someone’s mistaken love is the last thing I need in my near future. Too many times we ignore red flags like these. I’ll keep myself from having that “I wish I woulda” moment in the future when I realize I’m no exception to reality. Thanks but no thanks.

-Derrick Jaxn

The Caring Contest

You ever met somebody that almost had you believing “Love at First Sight” was more than a myth? You know, they have the right smile, eyes blink the right way, and every word they say sounds like poetry. Unfortunately, those “right” things spark paranoia with anyone who’s ever had their hopes shot down before. Most people get stuck here and end up ruining something that stood a decent chance of being beautiful before it even begins. It’s a hard pill to swallow that people can’t always be trusted but overdosing isn’t the answer. Learn to let yourself TRY. The whole caring contest can really get petty to the point you refuse to text because you texted first the last time….sound familiar? Of course, allow the person to meet you halfway, but nothing’s wrong with giving a little effort instead of trying to let it all fall in your lap. Your pride is going to tell you that you deserve to be texted/called every time you feel like talking but what happens when he’s not exactly a mind reader? The worst feeling for a man is going out our way to be a chivalrous gentleman, spending our hard earned on a date, and barely getting a dry “thanks” in return. Most women who do that are trying to keep everyone on the same playing field so no one can get close enough to hurt them…but men are likely to assume you just don’t appreciate anything and leave. If you feel like you’re putting out too much, let him know and then if he doesn’t respond, react accordingly. That doesn’t make you ‘thirsty”. Chemistry is all too disposable nowadays it seems but you don’t want to make the mistake of trusting that amazing first impression to end up just like the rest, in dissappointment. Give yourself a chance to be loved. 🙂

-Jaxn

A New Chapter….Same Book

Ok, so some of you may have noticed that I’ve been on somewhat a hiatus as of late. I’ve been collecting my thoughts on several subjects and just wanted to filter them before I spread the curtain. I guess the main one would be on the subject of women, trust issues, etc. It’s ironic that I almost made that one in the same of a genre of topics but in 2012 it seems to go hand in hand..

In my encounters with women, I’ve always believed in a kind of woman or a particular woman rather, that I’ll be be able to trust 100% with everything I am. A mistaken preconception to say the least but it’s not a bad thing. It’s unfortunate, but only realistic and human that nobody can be trusted 100%. We can’t even hold ourselves to our own expectations, much less meet someone else’s. So I’ve been wondering if trust is an all or nothing deal or can you trust someone….kinda? It really changes my entire perception of the “perfect for me” girl. It was a blissful yet naive dream turned nightmare. Just like when you first wake up in the morning, and those initial moments, you’re confused about where you are, what day it is, and what woke you up… well I’m trying to shake off the sleep and get on with my day to day. I never regret my past, because I always learn something with every person that goes through that revolving door of false alarms and close calls of love and friendship. For everyone knows that mistakes are only mistakes when you don’t learn. So to every former “friend” and “true love”, thank/fuck you for the lesson…. 🙂

-Jaxn