Talk To Me

Got a Relationship Question?

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The situations here are 100% REAL.

Featured Story:

“I Got The Clingies!”

12801835-cartoon-of-black-man-looking-over-his-shoulderJon Doe Says:

Ok, I’m 38yrs old and have started talking to a much younger woman.  We have established the fact the yes we are attracted to and like each other, but we agree that now is not the time for a serious relationship.  She’s 4 mos out a relationship with another older guy, and I’m just getting back into dating again.. Problem is, IM CLINGY!  We had a bit of a sour moment on Thursday, but we talked and I apologized. I said I’m going to fall back a bit  and only texted her Sunday to say hi. She was cool and all.. I guess my question is how to stop being clingy and will I have a chance to redeem myself.  Now she did say that she likes me and likes to be with me, bug the clingy was turns her off.. Is there any hope or am I panicking?? Help me out!!! LOL

My Reply: Well first off, I will say that it’s somewhat normal for men to be clingy even though we hate to admit it. Especially if you’re the type to love hard when you do find love so don’t feel bad about it but you have to manage it. This is one of those situations where practice makes perfect. For clingy people, dating only one person at a time isn’t wise. Since you’re used to an accute focus of your energy anyway, the last thing you need is one person at a time to give it to. You have to start dating other women and fast. If she’s not returning the “clingy-ness” then it’s all but attractive and there’s little to no hope it’s going to change. She may like you but come to the conclusion she doesn’t see herself with you, however your clingy ways will make it hard for her to tell you the truth. This is when you’ll get strung along for a long ride that only ends in a crash all because “She tried to tell you but just couldn’t because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings”. Fake it til you make it man, it works. Text her every few days. If she doesn’t text you first AT ALL…then it’s time to let it go. But DO explore other options. It’ll help ration out your attention and give you a better idea of how she compares to what you’re looking for. When you do this, there’ll eventually be a standout amongst the women you’re getting to know and that’s when you can unleash all the “clingy” to the woman who deserves it.

-Jaxn

25 thoughts on “Talk To Me

  1. I can appreciate you point of views; I share many of the same. I tried to access your photography site, but got a black screen. When will the site be available?

    • Hi Jennifer. I appreciate your ability t relate and effort to understand my point of views. I’m not quite sure why my photography site didn’t show for you. It doesn’t have the best mobile capabilities but did you try on a laptop? I just checked and it seems to be working fine, let me know if this helps.

      Kind regards,

      Derrick Jaxn

      P.S. Please be on the lookout for a new website combining my blog, photography, and more. 🙂

  2. Hello Derrick. I was wondering could you please friend me somewhere? Connect with me somewhere? I tried to find you on FB but, was unsuccessful. Thank you.

  3. Nice Blog. This is my first time reading your articles (blogs). Looks like you been writing since April…. Who knew… Very informative and your writings allows people to look at things in a different perspective. Kudos.

  4. Derrick, I really appreciate your suggestion for “Jon Doe” to continue to date, and MORE than just one woman at a time. This is a great strategy for someone who tends to put too much attention into ONE female. It’s been my experience that BOTH sexes typically RUN when they are dating someone who shows signs of being “clingy” or getting attached too quickly. It appears like there is this desperate sense of urgency to get things rolling, when in the beginning, you want to take your time when it comes to getting to know this new person. As for Jon Doe, if you are JUST GETTING BACK into dating again, I’d advise you get your feet wet a little before you jump head and heart first with the FIRST person you’re attracted to. All relationships start off in that “honey moon” phase and it FEELS good initially, so we tend to allow our emotions to control our behavior. If you know you have to work on NOT being clingy, spend some time building yourself up and realizing how much value YOU contribute to a relationship and get comfortable with rejection when it comes. Women are typically more emotional and expressive, and many ladies expect you to be more confident. Take your time to understand and overcome those emotions that cause you to be clingy. And Derrick, great advice and perspective on the proper way to handle situations like this 🙂

  5. I just came across your website and found it very interesting and thought provoking. I would definitely say you are a black man that keeps it real and has his shit together. Your writings are very honest and have helped me take a real look into myself and what I want and how I am going to go about getting it and have confidence doing it. I really enjoy your photography also, but I find your writings more interesting and thought provoking as I previously mentioned. I will be making a real effort going forward to stay up to date on your writings. I think you have a lot to offer society whether it be in your photography/modeling or in your insightful writings. I am really glad I found your site and read your writings they have helped give me a better outlook on my future. I wish you all the luck in the future a person with your talent and insight will make it far. Keep it real and honest!

  6. I have really enjoy reading all of your articles as well but I didn’t agree with this one. I’m one that supports monogamy to the fullest. The woman deserves your all and vise versa. If that girl can’t appreciate u for u then, yes, move on. But to make a trait like that work for u by having “multiple” woman, isn’t the answer. U can indulge in a variety of hobbies other than dating. I had a man just like that, and he lost a good woman bc he felt he HAD to have someone there at all times. It isn’t all about the cat. Pick up the Bible, visit your kids or family, do some volunteer work. And the list goes on. But I wouldn’t risk hurting someone else’s feelings and contracting STD’s just bc I HAVE to have a woman around 24/7. It’s called, get a life! Sorry, a little harsh but this is my opinion, and I’m not disrespecting your view @ all. We all have our own thoughts and are entitled to them. Side note: U seem to be an amazing man. I’m really intrigued and looking forward to reading many more blogs from u. Thank u

    • Hi Lanequa, thank you for reading my blogs. I’m glad you enjoy them and I appreciate your feedback on this one also. I just want to point out a difference between what you point to as the problem and possibly the solution and what is actually the situation.

      You make a case for monogamy “I’m one that supports monogamy to the fullest” and a solution of finding another hobby to fix the problem “U can indulge in a variety of hobbies other than dating.” This man’s problem isn’t that he wants women around all the time nor am I suggesting that is the solution. His problem is that he’s clingy, and what I’m suggesting is to explore the freedom of being single and being able to weigh his options until he finds one worthy of being monogamous with. Monogamy is meant for relationships and comes with a very strong emotional attachment when done honestly so I would never recommend that anyone start off strictly monogamous with a person they don’t even know yet. Dating isn’t a ‘hobby’, it’s a way of getting to know someone without the liability of a possible heartbreak. Something like a background check on a babysitter before you trust them with your children.

      You also insinuate sex is involved when you say “It’s not all about the cat” and “contracting STD’s just bc I HAVE to have a woman around 24/7.” However, I did not, nor did he ever make mention of sex so that may be a personal connection to your own life that you imposed. You also insinuate that he may hurt her feelings with “I wouldn’t risk hurting someone else’s feelings”. What I’m suggesting to this man will actually minimize if not eliminate the feelings until the time and the woman is right for him. With honesty, the woman he’s dating and getting to know will be kept abreast of his intentions short term thus keeping her feelings out of it as well until further notice.

      You make great points, but they’re hardly applicable to the actual situation but more so to your past in which it seems you made such a connection you no longer could separate. Again, thank you for reading and I’m honored to have you as a reader. 🙂

      -Derrick Jaxn

    • Hi Danita,
      I’m still working those details out now but the book is in its final stages of completion. I’m lookin forward to either later this year or early next year.

      Best,
      Derrick Jaxn

  7. Derrick,
    I have stumbled upon your Facebook page and subsequently your blog… WOW, that is all I can say. We have come from two different worlds, but at the end of the day your posts are what I need to hear to stay strong. THANK you!!! I can’t wait to read your book as soon as it comes out, and until then your Facebook posts will keep me happy.

    Thank you-
    Rachel (a middle 30-something single mom who is once again finding herself starting over in the love and relationship department).

  8. Hey Derrick,
    I just found your facebook page and now your blog and just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your posts. You seem very down to earth and respectable and I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Keep it up!
    Bradley

  9. Good day Derrick,

    One day I will learn to reply to all my followers with the same diplomacy but until then they are just going to get it the way I serve it, raw and uncut.

    I appreciate what you wrote, but from a woman’s perspective clingy is only clingy when the wrong man is trying to hang on. I see you have hundreds if not thousands of female admirers (and rightfully so) who will post, compliment or “leave a reply” just to get your attention. Believe me when I say that if you were to give them the time of day they would love it. If you were to become “clingy” the roles would soon reverse lol.

    I get a lot of attention from men, more than my share however when put to the test they give up easy. When that happens I know that they are only interested in what they see and not who I am because if they found value in me they would invest. So again if clingy means having the right man pay close attention I’ll gladly take it.

    • Well what you may see as “diplomacy” is my version of raw and uncut. No matter who I’m responding to or how I’m responding, I’ll always have tact. I actually agree with you completely and have echoed the same sentiments before. Attention is only unwanted when the person it’s coming from is unwanted. When you put guys to the “test”, make sure you’re not hazing them. A lot of women do that as some sort of a filtering process but end up driving away great men who know they deserve better. If you’re going for the “real man” type, he realizes what he brings to the table and what other good women would be willing to give to have him. Not that he doesn’t realize your worth, he just realizes his own.

      Derrick Jaxn

      • I totally understand the difference between screening a man and humiliating him, most WOMEN do. I don’t ask for much the most important thing to me is respect. The second is honesty by being man of your word. Even if that means to say I know I said this but how about that. I think it takes a real sincere person to able to have that level of respect for me as well as himself. A man like that is worth honoring not demoralizing.

  10. Hi Derrick,

    I enjoyed reading this question- answer. I totally agree with dating more then one person at a time; just to have options and not be so available and dependent on one person. I came across a guy who used the purpose ” date to get married” and or “date to end”. He felt, competition wasn’t worth it; if the person he was spending time, money and creating feeling for was also, doing this with others, why would he work so hard. He felt we should’ve equal attention on each other to make a stable connection and move to the next level without others in the way.

    In your reply, which I agree but, also, Im confused as to how someone can build a stable commitment with someone if their attention is on 2 to 3 others their dating and possibly building connections with. I understand if a person is clingy and comes off needy, he will always be looking for more then enough to fulfill that problem. Ive learnt, having friends, not dating partners, is a good way to level out, giving and receiving attention; but ultimately, your mate should be all that and more. It also lets that special person, your dating, know your serious and not just jumping from girl to girl.

    Thank you once again :]

    • Keauna,
      I know very well the concept of dating on a time and I don’t whole-heartedly disagree. I just believe it’s a case by case type of scenario. For a man/woman that’s easily attached when focusing all of their attention on one person, it may be worth the sacrifice of securing a foundation from day 1 to make sure their feelings aren’t entangled with someone who doesn’t have their best interest at heart.

      That’s what it comes down to because either way you’re sacrificing/losing something. Date multiple people at once, attention runs thin. Date one person at a time, pre-mature attachment.

      I don’t have a problem with dating with a purpose, but I think it’s rather naive and misguided to make that purpose marriage from day 1. All you know about someone when you first meet them is their first name and how they look. Long term intentions that early on is a set up for a let down. There’s nothing wrong with having a grace period of getting to know one another to be sure they’re worth that marital pursuit. He shouldn’t be “working so hard” and spending money shouldn’t be his biggest concern. It doesn’t take having money to have a good time and converse with someone. We do that unintentionally every day. Him working so hard…what’s working so hard? A conversation? A date?

      So basically, what’s worked for me personally, as a guy who does get attached rather easily, is to take things slow, expectations low. And if time proves, move forward in a more focused manner toward the end goal. Hope that helps.

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