He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

ImageYou ain’t shit, never was shit, ain’t gone be shit, and ya Momma ain’t shit. Now what?

Some people feel that the difference between a real man and an “Ain’t shit” guy has absolutely nothing to do with a woman. Kinda true but…Newsflash: EVERY man has the potential to be both and there’s something to be said about the role a woman plays in what she’s presented. For instance:

When you go to the club, I bet you wear something a little sexy, you accept a few drinks, and you jirate the night away without a worry in the world. Right? But…if you’re in an interview for an office job, you’re probably not singing at the top of your lungs, in a 3 point stance, dropping it like it’s hot. What changed? Was it your character, your morals, or your home training? No. It was your environment, your surroundings, and the people around you in which you were intending to make an impression on. So this same principal applies to men. Remember, men are RE-actors. Working out is a reaction to women liking muscles, having a job is a reaction to women liking money, and wearing condoms is a reaction to STDs and surprise babies.

So what does that mean for you? If you’ve attracted yourself a real man, one that has intentions on pursuing marriage and a family with the next woman he encounters, you canImage completely ruin that by disrespecting him or even worse yourself. He can be up for the Nobel Peace Prize but that won’t keep him from bringing out the worst in him should you beckon for it with unnecessary stress.


Real men catch hell on this one. How convenient it would be if we could detach our penises and put it in a safe until the time was right, but guess what, we don’t work like that.The problem is, when women sift through to the good men, they think our hormones are on ice waiting for us to make our mind up about who we’re going to marry, which is the case approximately 0.034% of the time(according to a recent study). You see, physical arousal is a God-given element of being human and an involuntary response to being attracted to someone. So yeah, real men like love sex too and it’s not fair for you to hold that against us.  But if that’s the only way you’re making yourself valuable to us, we will accept it with a smile, and leave shortly thereafter it gets old much like the trademark of the “ain’t shit” guy. You will go on to deem us as being just like the others you’ve dealt with, only telling the world the one-sided truth(which is a lie) about how we only wanted sex. But you want to know the common denominator in your ratio of a-holes to great guys? YOU. Address that part of the equation, and you will have a better chance of changing what it equals to.


ImageSo, you want me to go on about how a real man treats every woman like a queen? He kisses your feet, rubs your ears, does all the cooking, and even when you do look fat, he tells you that he loves your curves…. Ok, we’ll go with that. But even the cutest little kitten will attack like a lion if you rub it wrong. Your only job is to keep a man true to his identity. If he’s an “ain’t shit” guy, be the kind of self-respecting, strong, classy woman that repels him. Not the kind that makes him feel right at home(rolling his weed, playing Xbox with him when you know he’s supposed to be looking for a job, accepting his disrespect). No, that doesn’t mean holding your vagina as collateral until he makes it official, because if he has no loyalty, then his relationship title will remain Single no matter what you call it. He’ll wait out your 90 day rule while he sleeps with your best friend and uses your tax refund to pay for the baby shower.

If he’s a real man, be that environment that’s conducive to that. Stroke his ego every now and then(it’s OK), let him know you got his back, and always hold him accountable for meaning what he says and vice versa. Just like a real woman, a real man knows his worth and he’s not about to waste any of it on a girl who’s showing she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s in front of her. The cape is getting less and less popular the more modern day independent women show themselves, so don’t expect some “Man of Steel” to come saving you from all of the bad habits you’ve held onto over the years while you play victim like you owe him that responsibility. “Ain’t shit” guys are out there, but instead of trying to avoid them, focus on being the one they try to avoid.Image

-Derrick Jaxn

58 thoughts on “He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

  1. I really appreciate your article. I think a lot of what are you are saying in it is very true. I like how you don’t just focus on one sex, you point out things on what both men and woman can do for each other. You showed me some insight on what i needed to do for myself and the next man i meet. Thanks for your honesty, its greatly appreciated to me.

    Ms. E Hunt

  2. How a drop dead gorgeous young
    man become so wise? You r absolute on point. Youse so much sense. I love reading your statement. Keep up the good work sugar . Will continue reading. Thank u 🙂

  3. Very good article! As women we can’t continue to make bad choices and expect anything different than what we’re getting. If you are choosing the same type of man, it’s time to work on YOURSELF not try to fix and change the man! Thank you for continuing to give us honesty from the male perspective!

  4. Absolutely amazing!! Thanks for having the courage and wisdom to write this article. There was a lot said that we women needed to hear.

  5. Just found your site today and I’m so inspired. Keep up the good work and do you have a clone who’s single 😉 God bless you

    Tasha Biggers

  6. Love this! It makes us women think about the roles we play in these situations and how we contribute to some of the men’s actions. Keep up the great work. Truly inspired. You should have a clone 😉

  7. I can appreciate this piece for many reasons. Which is why self evaluations are so important. Pointing the finger is useless when the common denominator is the person in the mirror. From personal experience I have had the opportunity to learn about myself and how I contribute to situations in my past relationships.

  8. Clap, clap, clap! Well said sir! No one is perfect, but “strive” to be your best, stay classy. You will attract what you deliver. I’m always a student first, taking in my surroundings. Your article gave readers a good old fashion 101 lesson on what you put in, is what you’ll get out. Keep inspiring, especially our youth. Thx

  9. I am looking forward to the next aritcle… You presented us ladies with a journey trough a mans mind, at a womans pace… Thank you for that!

    P.s. So you know I’m Dutch and YES your article is being read in the Netherlands as well.
    Keep up the good work!

  10. Derrick,

    That was a very interesting read. You just brought to the forefront that women shouldn’t use their body as means to an end. But set standards for themselves and to go into a relationship knowing what they want. Then willinging to stick it out through the good, bad, and ugly.

    Thanks for the insight.


  11. I stopped reading blogs because most seem so negative and I was trying to cut back on the negative things I let enter my mind. I came across this blog and it is just so refreshing and not biased at all. I absolutely love the way you think and when I do meet whoever is for me that I will definitely keep your words in mind. Thanks

  12. Derrick,
    I always enjoy reading everything you write. This entry is no different. As a woman, it is nice to hear from a mans POV in a real way when it comes to dating, love and matters of the heart.
    Continue writing and I will continue following, supporting & reading.

    Be Blessed,
    Kelley S.

  13. You are my favorite blogger Mr. Jaxn 🙂
    Thank you and I have shared this on my fb….xox Suzy Khouloujian MUA

  14. I so appreciate what you said. I pray men are reading this as well. You make a great point, many times we as women don’t see our part in a situation only whats wrong with him. In my last relationship I did just that I stepped back and ask myself what do I need to do to be a better person, woman, mother etc… not for him,but for myself. I want to go into the next relationship a better person and not bring baggage with me. The most important thing is honesty and I have always been that, no what the situation. Thanks for your insight and your willingness to see both sides and speak on it.

    Peace & Blessings
    Sistah P

  15. Thank God that I have a great man. So crazy that my husband I were just talking about this. I am definitely going to be anxious waiting on your next post. At first I thought that you were going to talk about something else, this topic could have went so many ways. Great post.

  16. Great Read!!!
    I think the opposite sex brings out the BEST and WORSE in each of us. Like you stated the environments tend to dictate our actions. Men being more physical opposed to women being emotional leads to the negative stereotypes.

  17. I was going to write a really long comment about this post, however I decided against it. Instead I will write a response post. You make some valid points but much is to be challenged. I’ll tag you when I complete it should u care to read. SN: ♥♥ that photo of phylicia rashad

  18. So much of what I read is directed towards women. FB posts, tweets, blogs-so much information about knowing yourself. Loving yourself. Honoring yourself. Having self-worth. Regarding yourself highly. Setting high standards for yourself-so you can get the right man. Don’t see a whole lot of self-help counsel for men on how to discipline themselves, to value themselves, to elevate their standard of behavior as to attract the right woman.

    I just want to be a good person with good intentions and follow-through- because it is right and proper-not so I can catch “Him!”

    • Then you haven’t read much at all. I have several posts directed at men on how to recognize the right women and how to keep them. Actually my most popular posts were ones where I addressed men.

    • Jenn, I very much agree with you. Most of the books and articles that are streamlined to helping women find “Mr. Right” are focused on blaming women. If I were a man I would be insulted to know that the thought being put out is “the creature known as the male homosapien is incapable of carrying or conducting a conscious thought on his own” I’m already upset as a woman that many of these articles lead women who lack confidence and self esteem to believe that everything wrong in their relationship is their fault. It’s very easy to tell someone that they should know their worth and have high self esteem, but unless you know what has transpired in their lives you can’t tell them how they should be; coming to know yourself, having confidence in yourself, and knowing your self worth is a personal journey that we all experience differently in our own time.
      Mr. Jaxn, please do not take this as a personal affront because I’m not criticizing your article, and I do not think that was Jenn’s intent either.
      While your article was very thought provoking and I do help somewhere some woman is helped by it, I must say I like the philosophy of my father and in my father-in-law much better these two wonderful men who have a combined years in marriage totaling 75 taught their sons “a man is accountable for his own actions” while yes, as women we hold and exude a certain power and yes while many of us find ourselves in the same predictable circumstances every man (woman) at some point must accept their responsibility in who they are and how they choose to act/re-act to a situation. Isn’t that part of being an adult, holding yourself accountable?
      Sorry if this was exceptionally long. Have a great day Mr. Jaxn, keep up the great work and please do not presume this long winded response to be a proclamation that we should have a war about who’s more at fault men or women; marriage has taught me one thing and that is when you’re in it, it is not man vs woman. It’s man and woman working towards the greater good.

      • Hi Kenya.
        It’s hard to say this isn’t in some way directed toward my article if you chose to make your point on the article. And to be clear, the point you’re making is the point I actually made in the article. That women have to be accountable for their actions. There are actions that can drive a person away or call a particular attention to yourself or that open yourself up to be disrespected. To claim no liability in that is as ridiculous as going into a grocery store completely naked but saying it’s not your fault that people are staring.

        Equally ridiculous is the thought that man cannot conduct a conscious thought on his own when it is primarily men who are writing these self help articles to lead people into healthier relationships.

        No matter what a person has been through, it is by all means fair to hold them accountable for maintaining a sense of self respect and esteem because they are worth it. To excuse a lack thereof on the premise that they’ve “been through things” is exactly why people who’ve been hurt/raped/traumatized have such a hard time thinking of themselves as anything other than a victim even years or decades later. It’s more beneficial to empower them with the harsh truth and equal standards than it is to pat them on the back with free passes to be less than the queens they were designed to be.

        I can’t speak for other writers, but if you or anyone else has followed my work beyond the last month, then you’d know I address opportunities for improvement among both men and women. To look over that fact and generalize everything you read as “blaming women” is to diminish the value of my perspective, even if you do say this isn’t a “personal affront”.

        I’m not concerned about a war about who’s to blame, I’m more focused on bringing people to the truth and I won’t compromise that to make anyone feel more comfortable. Especially those who selectively choose what to read giving them biased and incomplete perspectives.

  19. I have read several of your articles. I should say that there is preponderance of literature aimed at women with the end goal being good enough to attract a good man. I am well-read and open-minded, but it seems like there was a little dig, and insult aimed at me in your reply. Sincere and authentic debate is always based on respect. I don’t have to agree with you but I should always honor you and your perspective.

    • You confused my frankness for disrespect but that wasn’t my intention. If you’ve read several of my articles, then you’ve either selectively chosen them or misunderstood; tweets, and FB posts included. You seem to be directing a general statement about what you read, but using me as a scapegoat. So let me not be vague, your opinion is respected but in this case misguided. I simply don’t fall into the category you described earlier. “How to KNOW if She’s The One” was directed at males. “20 Lies Guys Tell” was indirectly referencing males, and the list goes on. That’s all I’m saying. I value you as a reader, but I will not compromise my truth.

  20. While I respect your piece and find you to be rather intelligent, you leave me curious. I wonder if you, or any other man, has ever considered that it may not always be about women allowing certain behaviors into their lives and mindlessly accepting those behaviors. Could it be that some men are just trifling opportunists looking to take advantage of a situation? Could it be that some women see potential in some of those men that have been deemed “ain’t shit”? Could it be that some of these women ARE showing that they have his back and are not trying to be stressors in his life, all while trying to be a friend and lover to him? So if she plays a video game with him once and a while she may also be pointing out how good he is at strategizing. I’m not saying that you don’t have valid points, because you do. I’m just saying that its not as cut and dry as you may think. There are many facets to the black man and black woman together in a relationship. Far too many for me to address in this fashion. I just thought I would give you one or two possibilities to ponder. By the way, I thoroughly enjoyed your piece.

    • There’s many alternative angles to this post, but in it, I was specific about the things that welcome these kind of men. Surely there are those who are opportunist, but the title is a question mark, not a definitive statement. That leaves it open to why these men happen to you, and the article is simply meant to provide insight. Thank you for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  21. Derrick I am proud of you and your point of views as a young black man I have four sons, two from my previous marriage, one in the Marines and the other talking about the Air Force, I know that they will be strong young black men in this society and I pray that they can will make a impact on other young men as you have, my wife and I are on Facebook Justin Jerome Green if you ever need encouraging hit me up you have our Prayers that God will continue to Bless you as you help to Chang the Lives of so many other young men and women with your wisdom as a young blackman, continue to be a leader Trend Setter.

  22. I’ve learned this from a past relationship and this is every much true, accept your wrongs to make things right! love this blog

  23. As a 21 year old woman with morals and self respect, I was beginning to feel like none of the guys I was attracted to were attracted to me! I began to assess my standards, as if I was expecting much more than I deserved! This article really woke me up! I see now that I wear “ain’t shit guy” repellant! Lol thank you for an insightful article!

  24. Wow. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I’ve said some of these VERY SAME THINGS to young women. And men. And when a woman tells me there “aren’t any good men” I challenge her on that. Really? I can get a date in 10 minutes. And I’m a GRANDMOTHER. How can I do that? Here’s how. I’m comfortable with MYSELF. I developed MYSELF. I enjoy activities and am interested in the world around me. And I never, ever, EVER was or acted desperate for a man. Ever. If I’m at some function sans my husband and have forgotten my wedding ring in our jar of jewelry cleaner, I am invited out for coffee with surprising regularity. Am I drop-dead gorgeous? Hell NO! I’m almost 60, for god’s sake!! But men MY AGE… REAL men, as you say – well, they see those things in me and it attracts them.

    When I was young, I attracted all kinds of men because I was very pretty. It was on ME to recognize and weed out the immature ones. But now I have the advantage of being an old lady – if my sweet husband were to drop dead and I were to recover to the point of being interested in dating… well, I know I would have NO problem. I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m interested in ALL kinds of things in the world. And THAT is what makes me fun.

    I have always dressed and behaved as if I respected myself. I spoke correct English, I worked on my vocabulary, I watched TV programs about science or nature or astronomy or ancient civilizations… I studied different languages, I played musical instruments, volunteered… I developed ME. I did that because I was the most valuable commodity I had! Why would I risk or squander ME?! To be exciting and interesting to REAL MEN, all a woman has to do is get involved in LIFE. Have a great time! Learn new things. QUIT obsessing about how much attention you are getting from men and start just HAVING FUN IN LIFE. And respect yourself.

    When I was young, I dated lots and lots of wonderful, smart, fun, decent, REAL men. Just like you say. I didn’t gyrate ANYWHERE (spelling… gyrate). I didn’t dress like a slut. I didn’t wear slutty makeup or slutty hair or slutty jewelery… things we always have had and always will have. Women who dress and present themselves in that manner are sending a signal – I’m CHEAP and you can have me for practically nothing! But the next day, I’m going to complain like hell that you are CRAP and you only used me.

    Really? So if a retail store advertises “buy one; get one free” and you shop there, are they going to bitch about YOU the next day? Taking advantage of them and all?

    Today, I’m a psychologist; I’ve had young women tell me that they lied to men about being on birth control – or poked holes in condoms, right through the packaging. I tell young men, BRING YOUR OWN CONDOM. They tell me they do it because they want “someone to love me.” That’s one of the worst ways to get ANYONE to love you. I’ve had young men tell me their lives were “ruined” because of an unexpected pregnancy and their girlfriends refused an abortion. I WANT to pick up a 2×4 and whack those kids on the side of the head, but I hear I could get into some trouble for that.

    I know I’m rambling all over the place – and I know this is too long. I apologize. I just loved your post here. You are SO wise and intelligent and insightful. It’s just bloody brilliant. EVERY woman who wants a man should read this. If a woman REALLY wants a man – a GOOD man – she needs to bloody FORGET about WANTING a man and get involved in LIFE. She needs to enjoy her life, laugh heartily, behave decently, and be KIND to people. Such a woman is absolutely irresistible. Take it from one who knows.

  25. Thank you for applying this to both sexes. Its important everyone has an understanding seeing that both can be “dogs” as well as really sweet. When you have a book coming out please let us all know.

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