Written by: Derrick Jaxn
A lot of women wrestle with this and believe it or not, so do men. You can’t understand why your love wasn’t enough to make him change. I understand, but what you don’t is that if a man really loves you, his conscience starts resting on what you deserve over what you’re willing to put up with to make things work. Yes we are in control of our actions, but not our urges. They come without our permission and fighting repeated urges causes an internal struggle that’s much less comfortable than just acting on them. So when they put you in harm’s way, it becomes necessary to try and move you out of the line of fire. Opening doors and pulling out chairs is nice, but it doesn’t get any more chivalrous than complete honesty.
Stopping him from leaving won’t stop his feelings of not being ready. He can’t flip the “Ok I’m Ready Now” switch because you argue, cry, or explain how much you believe in him. Staying is going to place more guilt on him, intensify the feeling of being trapped, or even worse leave him with the “well I tried” excuse to stop resisting himself. The reason why he isn’t ready in the first place stems from cold world survival tactics he developed long before you came into the picture by either:
1.the efforts to assimilate into a culture that praised this behavior(society)
2.from the intent on never getting attached to a single female after that one girl who broke his heart.
So why even get in a relationship if you’re not ready?
Why do we buy things we can’t afford? Why do we drink more alcohol than we can handle? Because our aspirations tend to write checks that our judgment doesn’t cash. Just like you, we also have the misconception that true love will shape our urges along with our actions. That’s what we’re sold by love songs, the Twilight saga, and other
bullshit media that knows exactly what we want to hear. However, our hormones don’t fall in love when we do. They’re going to (be ready to) do what we’ve trained them to do, not what we learned in church was the right thing or promised that one night we looked you in your eye. This is not to say that men can’t settle down after having a promiscuous past, but he definitely has to mature past that part of his life. It’s not about you or how he feels about you. Whether or not he’s loyal doesn’t depend on his level of affection the same way how broke you are doesn’t depend on how expensive something is. You either are or you aren’t.
There’s also this blissful feeling you get when you first realize you’ve found somebody who is perfect for you. It’s a false advertisement of what it’s going to be like over the course of the years to come(if you make it that long). They’re constantly on your mind, there’s no cuddling that’s too close, and you love everything about them because there’s an infatuation and true love mixture that’s simply unreal. I call it the First Rep phenomena. When you’re working out, you might do your first squat rep and say ‘hmm, that wasn’t so bad, I can do this at least 20 more times.’ Then comes the lactic acid through your legs, tightening of your muscles, and the shortness of breath that’s a reminder that you’re new to this and probably need to pace yourself if you’re going to make it to work tomorrow. So when men feel the First Rep phenomena, we think that it’s the feeling of “Ok I’m Ready Now” finally coming to save us from ourselves.
But when the love is no longer new, and nobody cares about you being a cute couple anymore, and you start noticing habits that annoy the hell out of you, you come back down to earth; and you know what’s waiting on us when we get there? A responsibility to maintain the relationship even without the superhuman strength that initial blissful feeling gave us. That’s when we’re faced with the grim reality that being faithful isn’t a feeling, it’s a mindset. A mindset that’s everything but the one we developed over the years because the world taught us how to get what we want, not how to keep what we need. He’s not playing games with you by telling you he’s not ready and if it was as simple as a decision, he’d make it. It doesn’t matter how much you cook, how freaky you can get, or how much you hold him down so don’t take a responsibility in his maturation. This is something a man has to get through on his own because no matter how good of a woman you are, if he’s not ready, it won’t even matter.