Friends With Benefits- The Best Alternative

ImageSo, your last relationship didn’t work out. It happens. But during the relationship, your body got used to attention that it’s having a hard time doing without. Only thing is, you’ve always been protective with your box and you have more respect for yourself than to give it up to just anybody. Still, not getting that sexual gratification drives you crazy. Why? Our bodies weren’t designed to start having sex and stop before our biological clock said so. Christians would argue this is even more the reason to wait ’til marriage but in the name of fairness, let’s just say you’re not as perfect as the average Christian.  So you’re simply not ready to get back into a relationship, not up for the challenge of celibacy, and your mama taught you better than to sleep around. What else is there?

Friends with benefits.

Most people only know the wrong way to do this and for that reason have been turned off from the idea. But there’s 3 reasons why a Friends With Benefits-ship deserves consideration:

1. Keeps your dignity intact.

2. Not having overlapping partners significantly decreases your chances for STDs

3. Keeps you from making an appearance on Maury about who you are 1000% sure is your “baby daddy”

Do understand that this shouldn’t be preferred over a healthy relationship, but sometimes it can help ease the grace period between attempts at love. On the contrary, it can get sticky when feelings get involved, and when it’s not revolved around complete honesty and openness. A Friends With Benefits-ship is only for the person who is planning on being single for a while, has a high sex drive, but still has too much self respect to have several partners at one time. So what’s the “right” way to do this and enjoy the full benefits with little to no drawbacks?

First,  get to know your potential friend with benefits. It’s not ok to be complete strangers with someone you’ll be sharing something so valuable with. Talk about where you’re at in your life and make sure it’s on the same page as his. This is critical because if he’s in a relationship then it puts you in a compromising position. You really don’t need the side chick drama and there’s more fish in the sea, single fish. So after it’s established that both of you are two people that are ok with being single for the moment then your next step is to….

Write him off as potential relationship material. If he seems to be the right guy but it’s still the wrong time for you, then going any further is going to send you on an emotional roller coaster and wouldn’t be fair to him.  Put yellow tape around your heart and let him know he is in no way welcome to enter. Toss him a roll so he can do the same because you don’t want to lead him on either. Now if this hasn’t run him off and you still have his attention it’s time to move on to your final step….

Establish a thorough understanding of what you want with a high priority on honesty. Given that you’ve already gotten to know him, you trust him to his word. If he can agree to  be completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing outside you guys’ friends with benefits-ship, you can make sure that physically, you two are monogamous. It defeats the purpose if either of you are still sexually active with multiple partners. But to avoid relationship parameters and ultimately expectations, agree to being open about what happens in each other’s outside sex life so should either of you feel the need to sexually engage with another, you can peacefully end your own rendezvous and walk away.

Now at this point, you’ve got a guy here you’re attracted to but have no emotional connection with that’s proven himself worthy of a hormonal outlet for you. Now all you have to do is go get tested together and you’re ready to do your thing. I know this sounds like a bit much but if you take your health and your self-respect seriously, it’s a small price to pay for pretty high reward. Now you’re able to not only be single with a bit more peace of mind(and body) but you can entertain real potential relationship partners without having to rush things because of sex. It’s much easier to discern a man who’s worthy of your heart when your hormones aren’t constantly nagging for attention. However, this is one of those good things that aren’t meant to last forever and you have to remain realistic about that. If at any point you start including quality time, good morning texts, dates, etc…you’re going to get more than you bargained for and I don’t mean that in a good way. This isn’t meant to be fulfilling but it’s a reasonable alternative to the lonely, empty, frustrating feeling of not having someone to satisfy your physical cravings.  Cravings that would normally either send us back to our ex we’re better off without or becoming a revolving door for one-night standers.

-Derrick Jaxn


30 thoughts on “Friends With Benefits- The Best Alternative

  1. Ok that basically sounds like a relationship without “title” especially with the monogamy part, and of course you’re not putting any work to build a foundation. It really is easier for guys to have a physical relationship then women. Not to say women don’t do FWBs, but the sex is not about pleasing each other just busting a nut (and I say this because its usually the guy that cums first) and keeping it moving. Thus, unless the guy is going to be unselfish and still put in a little bit work (dinner, movie, phone call/text, ride home) and still may not guarantee sex. Very rarely is FWB a win-win situation, I swear both parties need to draw out a contract!

    • Well let’s not pretend sex is just a “man” thing either. The article is in the interest of a woman who’s dealing with sexual frustrations as I’m sure you’ve at some point been able to relate to. Whether she “busts a nut” or not she is a beneficiary of the sex.

      The monogamy part was coupled with “physically” also which makes a difference in that this is not a relationship, just exclusivity for the sake of taking less risks to your health. FWB is a win win until one wants more and it’s only fair to blame that on the person who wants it.

      • If the lady didn’t bust a nut she’s not benefiting. And if she’s not benefiting, then its a very very short friendship. Like one or two nights. People are monogamous for emotional reasons, name one person that said, well I’m in a monogamous situation with someone that i have no feelings for and only to lower my risk of STDs.

        Alot of FWBs have 3-4 people in their rotation and believe they are playing it safe. They’re not.

        If people who are playing the field or FWBs, stayed monogamous just for the sake lowering STD risks, then we would have eradicated all the STDs in the last decade.

      • Well now you’re adding context that wasn’t implied. And I know that not many people are physically monogamous, that’s why not many people are successful with FWB because that is a necessary component. I’ve done it and it worked. I know a woman who did it 3 years and walked away without ever looking back the same way. Most people who have 3-4 people in their rotation, girls who don’t bust a nut, is all the wrong way, I gave directions on the right way. And clearly all people who do FWBs aren’t being monogamous, or else I wouldn’t have written this post to correct them.

    • Bravo though, it may be the right way to do FWB, but if just comes down to physical gratification, I sense that most people still wouldn’t want to put in the work or “loyalty” just for that release. Hence there will always be STDs and Deception!

      • Well I’m not trying to rid the world of STDs and deception, I’m trying to keep those who are wise enough to listen from being the recipients of them. FWB is very possible and is a beautiful thing but only when done right.

  2. All this seems like a relationship under the guise of free living without emotional attachment. I won’t even start on the whole issue I have with the self respect aspect of your writing, but I will say that if a person wanted a FWB, they should be able to with whom ever with a focus on honesty like you mentioned, but also safety. Because even if one person decides to ‘commit’ to the pseudo monogamous terms you describe, the person they’re involved with could still be fucking around and STDs could still be acquired. This just sounds like a practice relationship or satisfying a needy person’s desire for comfort by gently rubbing them on the back so they keep feeling desirable. .

    • It sounds like you’re somewhat agreeing against your will here which I understand, FWB isn’t an ideal situation. This article spoke to survival AND safety. If that person can be still sleeping around in this situation, what would stop them in a relationship? Point being, that’s always a variable. This is no difference. The key is to use your judgement after getting to know that person(as stated in the article). The point of it is to keep you from sleeping around with your heart involved which people find more admirable because at least your intentions are good. But that route is hardly more safe or efficient when it comes to choosing a partner for a serious relationship.

  3. Really enjoyed reading this. I always find it interesting what guys think on stuff like this and I think you did a great job putting it together. I look forward to more 🙂

    • Thank you very much. I think it was worth exploring and putting in a logical perspective. I think about these things all the time that we automatically cast out because traditionally it’s “not right”. But this is actually more safe than emotionally trial and error in which you sleep with the people who turn out to be errors. Imagine how many less people the average person would have slept with if there was only there relationship partners and one FWB in between….a little optimistic of a thought but that’s the idea.

    • What’s interesting is that I’ve spoken with women and mostly I’ve gotten “That’s just a myth” type of thing. Didn’t believe it until I considered porn stars/prostitutes. So on some level, women can detach emotion from sex but there’s a small margin for error in the interaction between encounters. (cuddling, talking, etc)

      • And most women who are porn stars are lesbian now and addicted to drugs to numb the pain of feeling like your body is nothing but an object to be used, since we are more on the receiving side of sex. Most porn stars, strippers, prostitutes are miserable and cannot function rightly in a healthy relationship b/c of the unnatural use of their body.

      • So, I’m not a woman, and “no matter what women say”, you can speak for all women. Oh ok, that definitely validates your logic. But I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Continue reading and be blessed! 🙂

    • Well because I counsel many of them I am speaking from a back door, I am saying what they may tell you as a man it is definitely different then what they say to me. Now that is not logic but reality.

      • If logic and reality don’t coincide then one of them is a pretender. I get what you’re saying and I don’t completely disagree. My reference to pornstars/prostitutes was only to the fact that females can detach themselves emotionally from sex but that’s not who I was referring to in this article. I do know there’s a group of people out there who do have sex while not in a relationship. Those people still deserve a safer way to do so and if having a conversation about the best way to do it can save a life by preventing the spread of STDs across overlapping partners, then it’s worth having.

  4. Good evening, I have read your post on “FWB’s”, with all due respect to you, It’s foolishness and these relationships can destroy peoples lives. If you want to play with Fire and get Burnt this is a good way of getting burnt. A friend of mine married 7 years kicked her husband out not because he was cheating but for other reasons. Ok she told him “I don’t want you, don’t come back we are done”. Her husband took her word and left and that grace period he had a “FWB” someone he already knew for a long time . Three weeks later my friend decided she missed her husband and asked him to come back home. Well he went back to his wife and everything was fine until months down the line she found out that he slept with this friend. Well he confessed and there marriage has had serious problems since. My friend is soo mad at her husbands friend and her husband. Calling him a cheat and now wants a divorce. Her husband told me ” I never and have never cheated on my wife, she told me we were done and I should leave. What did she expect me to do wait for her to decide what she wants”. I asked him ” Do you love your wife he said “Yes”. I told him then when she told you to leave you should have fought for your marriage during that period rather than consoling yourself in a female friend. Now his friend said that my friend should not have kicked out her husband but rather took the time to work out there problems. They have four children together he doesn’t want to leave his marriage or his kids but my friend is not having it…You can’t move forward unless you let go of your past and I know many people who have been in “FWB” situations regretting it after some time. Even friendships ruined and not even because of emotional attachments but because they realized it was wrong. The bible says Everything is lawful but not all things are appropriate. I would list “FWBs” as not appropriate.

    • Hi Shivvy? Thanks for reading. FWB isn’t for someone fresh out of a marriage and definitely not for someone still in a marriage. So rather than the post, I believe the situation you described would more so fit the bill of “foolishness”. The FWB didn’t ruin their marriage, his infidelity did.

      I’m also willing to bet that the people who have been in FWB situations that ended up regretting it did not do it as I described in which I wouldn’t consider that a FWB, but rather a relationship with no title. That is what get’s you “burnt”(burned).

      I didn’t reference the Bible because not everyone follows the same faith as “Christians”. For those who do, they’d be celibate until marriage and wouldn’t have been cheating on their wives in the first place. But FWB is much safer for somebody who is transitioning between relationships and wants a safer way to do so without completely abstaining from sex. I even said that it shouldn’t be preferred over a healthy relationship, but it is in fact safer than having overlapping sex partners. It’s “appropriate” to make sure you understand the text before you form your opinions instead of having preconceived notions upon reading the title. Thanks.

      • Good morning, we live in different countries and there is over 7 billion people on this Earth including you and I. Not everyone are Christians as you said. I am just speaking from the views of my friends who are NOT Christians. “FWB” safer for transitioning between relationships is your own opinion, which everyone on this earth is entitled to there own opinion…But what has worked for you and others may not work for everyone else… Obviously anyone who tries “FWBs” and if it doesn’t suit them or they end up with regrets you will personally not hold yourself responsible. It’s like taking an Ibuprofen or Paracetamol, these medications work for some people who take them correctly and not for others who also take them correctly. My opinion is that it won’t work for everyone even if they follow the guidelines you stated in your post. My other half who I didn’t marry went through this transition period when we broke up for four years. During that period he realized he didn’t want to move on to another relationship came back to me and remained friends with his friend. Well I believe in honesty in relationships he told me and I told him to get rid of all his female friends. Which is why we are not together anymore because he doesn’t see why he has to do that because we weren’t together. My opinion was that if you can have an “FWB” with someone outside a relationship and remain friends with them when you move on, the temptation will always be there because the friend will always be there. He put it down as me just being insecure but I told him and I still stand by it, it has nothing to do with insecurity.

        As for my friend her own relatives backed her husband and said it was not cheating or infidelity because she told him to leave and that she didn’t want him anymore. Plus his friend was not emotionally attached to him if anything she felt sorry for him. My friend also told her husband to have nothing more to do with his friend. Which he agreed to but her wanting a divorce has more to do with she feels if he can do that outside then he will do that once she wanted her husband back. They are not Christians neither are my former work colleagues who are not married and have had years of “FWB’s” which ended up as office gossip or regrets later on..One of my former managers wanted to try that with me years ago he wasn’t in a relationship or married but we were friends, no way was I doing that and I started to call him “Daddy” infront of everyone including his superiors he found it very disrespectful but so did I find the “FWB” idea disrespectful. We have to use intelligence in all things we do. Your posts are interesting reads and I came across this one because one of my friends in another country sent me a short piece about something else you wrote which I thought was great. But then I read this post I was disappointed but you can’t please everyone and you are entitled to your own opinions just as I am entitled to mine.

      • I promise my objective isn’t to please everyone inclusive to yourself but I do appreciate you reading. You don’t have to believe it will work for everyone, i understand that it won’t. I was actually rather specific as to talking about the person it would best suit. It’s not an opinion however, it is a fact that having overlapping sex partners is more dangerous to your health than one partner at a time which is what a FWB (as I described) should be. That was the premise. It is an insecurity that even though you’re not together, you want your guy friend to drop all of his female friends, but again, you’re entitled to that insecurity. Anyway, I hope things work out for the best in all of your situations and you continue to reading. 🙂

  5. Though some may object to your p.o.v. Derrick I saw exactly where you were coming from with how to go about a friend w/benefits relationship in a logical way that would protect peoples hearts as well as health! In the real world people are basically people and no party will be guaranteed to be monogamous in a fwb union. However I believe your article/mini Manuel will grab the attention of some to actually follow some type of reasoning of this union..putting everything out on the table and communication is the key to openly flat out say look we friends with benefits , we don’t want a relationship from each other and all things end should we find “the one” is much better than leading people on and playing games! It’s always the ones that is so judgmental that are the victims of these dating games having high hopes and big dreams for something that is not there..people need to be real with themselves and stop getting into these fake relationships to fulfill their sexual desires and just have that title of being in a “relationship”. There is nothing wrong with being single and really knowing in that span what you really want out of a the mean while have your fun and be safe. This is real we adults and nobody in this world isn’t perfect ..we can’t judge if your not in a relationship or marriage then why the hell not do you again do it safe with open communication w/ your fwb.

    • I knew there was a least a few of you out there who would! lol I definitely just wanted to provide a safer way that promoted physical health first. Even if you can’t agree, I think most can respect it. 🙂

  6. I some how came across your page and im glad i did. I have been out of a relationship for about a year. Since im not ready to head into a new one, i have been considering having a FWB but i had my doubts. After reading your post, I agree with what you said and i too believe it can work. I believe that if two people agree to the terms of being FWB and know whats up, then the satisfaction will be mutual. And once youre ready to walk away, you can do so freely. I think people just make this harder than it should be. This definately made me gear towards YES.

  7. While I completely understand why someone would see this as a solution. I have to be honest with myself and say that its hard for be to have a sexual relationship with someone and not developing deep feelings for them and not wanting the relationship to progress to something more, it just wouldn’t work for me.

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