Why Buy the Cow if You Can Get the Milk for Free?

Recently, a post on http://www.stephanspeaks.com, a well-respected relationship expert’s blog, caught my attention. What I got from it to roughly summarize is, “Guys want all the relationship perks without having to cut ourselves off from other women.” Most of the women I’ve spoken with seem to have similar sentiments but thinking this way is misguided in many situations and will lose you what could be very special.


Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free right? Well, if he’s only in it for the milk, you’re already dealt a losing hand. That’s not a man you want to settle down with. The benefits of a relationship shouldn’t be his motivation to be with you. His love for you should satisfy his emotional appetite for a woman, and physically sacrificing the pleasures of the outside world would be a small price to pay, one he’d be happy to. Again, this is speaking to the “good man” that loves you and not just what you do for him. This is the man who’s already matured to a point of being able to settle down with just one woman. So if a good man has a good woman, there’s only one reason why he’s not settling down with you.


Don’t always try to press the issue to fancy the perfect plan you had for your love life. Amongst all the boys who come up with excuse after excuse for wanting their cake and eating it too, there are some very legitimate reasons for a man not wanting to settle down. For instance, good men are typically ambitious, great work ethic, and passionate about their goals. If he has a level of success he has to reach first before he can settle down in a relationship, then there’s nothing you should do to stop that. Men are much more than just sexually driven beings and relationships take more than exclusivity to last. It takes a strong commitment of time, emotional , and physical investment; things that could impede on a path to success. Why lock you down in a relationship, all the while leaving you lonely at night in the event he’s chasing his dream for days, weeks, or even months at a time. Does this mean the time spent with you and kind words from him are in vain? Absolutely not. If he’s emotionally and physically drawn to you, of course he’s going to act on it especially if it’s mutual. That’s human nature. So yes, he acts as if he’s in a relationship, but doesn’t want the expectations that come along with. While he has relationship feelings, he’s not relationship ready. This situation is as rare as are the good men who still exist, and it’s worth mentioning for that very reason. Don’t put what you want over who you want it with. Having the right ingredients doesn’t mean the cake is ready.

After fully understanding his reasoning for waiting, give it time.  And no, “enough time” doesn’t mean “When you’re tired of being patient”. You can give him the ultimatum and force him to commit to instead of losing you, and your premature initiative will leave the enjoyment of the union one-sided. The last thing you want to hear down the road is, “Well I didn’t want a relationship in the first place.” Don’t get in a relationship because you’re tired of being single. If he’s good to you, good for you, and you have no doubt about his love then he’s worth the understanding.

-Derrick Jaxn

23 thoughts on “Why Buy the Cow if You Can Get the Milk for Free?

  1. Great post! There’s a lot of truth here, and I love the cake analogy. 🙂 I was in a long-term relationship like this once, and I am probably the most patient person I know. When a man is in that mode of setting himself up and getting his career right (and finding stability), I completely agree that it is wise to give him the time and space to handle business. Putting pressure on him or giving ultimatums just makes him either fold and be in something he doesn’t want quite yet, or he’ll resent the pressure he’s getting when he’s trying to do right and better himself. He’ll leave.

    The hard part is when you want for them what they want for themselves, but things grow so comfortable that they no longer progress. And the comfort or complacence is on both sides. One doesn’t want to push, and the other doesn’t have a sense of urgency. Maybe that is the red flag. And it’s like being stuck in limbo. I think he could have stayed there forever, we were together eight years, but I needed more. Deserved more. We’re still great friends, and he’s still figuring his career goals out now. Sometimes it’s timing, but sometimes it seems like the back burner might as well be the forgotten item in the back of the pantry.

    Love the honesty in your writing. Looking forward to whatever you may post next. 🙂

    • Simone thanks for reading!! To your point, I’ll say this with respects to the fact I know nothing about that man or your situation outside of the snippet you let me in on. While you want to facilitate his success towards his career or dreams, make sure first that you both have the same relationship aspirations. It shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one fighting for that. When his desire is the same as yours, there is no comfort in the current situation no matter how good you are to him. Because at the end of the day the T hasn’t been crossed. 8 years is enough time for him to alter his career efforts to better acommodate the relationship status he’s aspired for all that time…if…he’s aspired for it all that time. He’s clearly got a passion to succeed. That passion should translate consistently from his profession to his personal. And his personal idea of success should in fact match yours.

      Thank you for reading Simone, means a lot. 🙂

      • Oh, I’m happy to — it’s poignant and entertaining. 🙂

        We did have the same relationship aspirations, and that was why I stayed as long as I did. I think to this day he regrets not really making moves when it came to his career, because he wanted us to go the distance — he’s expressed some to me since then. I don’t know… At the end of the day, we learned something, and I still appreciate his friendship. I think that’s all it could ever be now. There’s a lot more to it, of course, but I’ll save that for a time that doesn’t involve publishing to a website. *smile*

        Keep writing, sweets. 😉

      • You always do this salutation at the end of the comment like “ok it’s time to stop responding now” lol

      • LOL awww, something like that is always meant as support! 🙂 I could talk forever… But I enjoy your writing, I wouldn’t say that otherwise. 😉 Happy Monday to you, Mr. Jaxn.

  2. This is wonderful! I met and fell in love with the man you are referring to. My girlfriends could not understand why I understood him, why I comprehended how important his goals were to him, and why I refused to hate him for giving me a wonderful not-fully-committed relationship. I knew who he was when I met him. I guess part of me thought that I was obviously so good – of course he’d change for me! Then I realized I may not want a man who would change like that. So he’s off to fulfill his goals and then settle down, like he planned. He always said that he wanted the fairy tale but there were things he needed to do first to make sure that it was the fairy tale when he got it. Ladies just have to decide what they want and whether they will wait for that guy to maybe come around. It’s also about whether you can stay with the person while accepting that you are not first in their life.

    I too look forward to hearing more from you.

    • Wow Arian, that’s very valuable insight. I love getting the perspective of a woman on my articles. I agree with you. Once your man is honest and says what the situation is, you need to at that point take it or leave it. But don’t judge him for his reasoning. Don’t categorize him as a player etc.

  3. Again well put. I enjoy reading your blog. It definitely gives me a better insight to the mind of a man. Some women don’t realize that patience is a two way street. If we want a man to wait for us then we have to be willing to do the same. Again good job!

  4. I think this blog speaks so much truth. For one it is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes I feel like that’s exactly where me and my boyfriend are. I don’t deny his love for me but he once cheated, he told me, and he was sorry. He told me he would never do it again and I believe him only because constant urges come up and he lets me know when they do and he says no to them. Not to mention hes cheated on all his girlfriends but when he cheats its alway with someone from the past and everytime he cheaged on a girl, he broke up with them. he didnt want to break up with me and a lot had changed since the incident. My only thing is he don’t want to loose me. He understands the good ones go if u wait too long. The thing is he didn’t know I was being patient. Did I necessarily want to watch him be young wd an free when we weren’t together? Hell no! But ultimately he did something about it and made me his gf. I do love him and he’s actually my first boyfriend. We were very unexpected. We are just two people who kissed one Night in the club then became the best of friends. I know he doesn’t want those nights of hooking up to be over tho but he knows they are cause he’s with me. So I guess what I’m trying to say is u can be in love and get into a relationshipat the wrong time cause he just may not be ready for what a real relationship consist of.

  5. You bring up a very valid point but I still feel it overlooks something. If as a man you are not ready for a relationship than that should be respected. A woman should not rush that man and she should understand his reasoning. That doesn’t mean she should continue to give all of herself to him in the meantime. That is selfish on the man’s part and risky business on her part. They should just be friends for now and build a great foundation. So nothing wrong with her sticking around and I agree that she should not go running to some other man just because she wants a relationship. If she truly feels this is the man for her cool but as you stated maybe it’s not the right time yet. In that process she should focus on her self growth but I do not feel she should be behaving like a girlfriend/wife to a man who is not ready to be her boyfriend/husband.

    • Well the post doesn’t imply that a woman should give all of herself to him in the meantime. But if you’re referring to some of the more common perks like availability to spend time, go out, and have sex… then the article spoke to just that. “If he’s emotionally and physically drawn to you, of course he’s going to act on it especially if it’s mutual”. Let’s not pretend that sex is just a “man” thing either. Women are equally beneficiaries of those perks, just lacking the title they’d rather have come with the package so it’s not necessarily “selfish” on the man’s part …..unless he’s pressuring her to do those things when she’s tried to leave him to his success journey. But if a woman knows(believes) that the man is going to be hers(according to titles) in the future and she already has the physical, emotional, and mental connection there…most likely she’ll take it upon herself to give however much of herself she can to the man. Right? No. Wrong? No. Human Nature….pretty much.

      • If a woman is giving the perks you mention and down the road the man decides he no longer wants her. Ask her then if she felt she was giving all of herself to him. She will likely say yes and she will experience plenty of emotional damage from the failed situation. I completely understand your view because I once had the same position. As you get deeper in to the minds of women you start to see things differently. Sex is not as equal a perk as we would like to believe. For most men it is simply a physical act to be enjoyed by both (hopefully). For many women there is an emotional component that tips the scales. Not to mention many women are not getting as much sexual satisfaction as that man believes. Some aren’t even having the sex for that reason. They do it because they feel that is what is needed to keep the man around. I mean I can get a lot deeper in to this but I can say with confidence that most men don’t understand what is really going on. She could be going a long with this scenario and to you it’s all good but little do you know she is not at peace with it at all. Many just hold on because at that point she doesn’t want to walk away and feel like she has wasted all tha time and energy. She doesn’t want to feel like she got played. So she holds on in hopes that it will all work out and she can save face. Many do not get the end result they were hoping for and the negative impact is much greater than the average man understands or realizes.

      • Generally speaking you’re right on the money. Sex is a little slighted for the man’s benefit. But consider the quality time and “listening” men do as well as we fill the role of a boyfriend/husband. No listening isn’t a woman thing but a lot like sex, it’s still slighted for the woman. My point is, that’s the equalizer for that scale to balance out. Yes women hesitate to leave because of the investment they don’t want to walk away from, but mores so it’s because women are (to an extent) getting what they want from a personal they’ve already grown to be comfortable with. And as long as she’s enjoying the things she wants(listening, quality time, etc) with this person she’s comfortable with, she’ll continue to give “all” of herself or as much will keep his attention and her in the number one slot to receive the title she’s after. That’s why telling a woman to hold back on those perks she’s providing may be ideal, but at the expense of the perks she’s receiving in return? Versus being patient a little while longer? Most may go for the latter until they completely lose hope.

  6. I have been tuning into your writing escapades on twitter and I enjoy them a lot. I I I recently found out that you blogged and I have taken time to read majority of Your articles. Now I must say that this article beats to my own heart. I believe in relationships and love. Maybe it’s because I’m bias since I i i was in a something like this that you speak of I don’t know but I do feel that the female once she has been told the deal she should handle it accordingly. Put her big girl panties on an make some decisions if she feels hes the one. Sometime it’s comfortable and “safe” to be with someone even when you know that they are not ready for those next level expectations however be prepared to develop feelings. I know how men say they can just have sex and there be no emotions well that’s a lie. They do! And if men can so can women. When it becomes more than sex and we attach time and relationship “actions” feelings get involved. Women and men need to know where they stand in anything. Find out their priorities; if its thier career or traveling, know where you stand as a friend first then find out if marriage or children play a role. That is key! Also, there is nothing wrong with a Black, educated (TUAlum), handsome man wanting to focus on their career goals. I support it #blacklove

  7. I must admit I enlightingly muted my tv to finish reading the full excerpt . I love to read & its actually really good ! I’m debatable with some excerpts but this something women need to read & all the better it being from a male perspective . Yung it’s a #Seminar I’m serious ! Lol good job though Mr. Jaxn

  8. So true.. Especially of yiur dealing with with a man that thats been single for a long time and enjoys that life style..

    If theres a serious connection for both of u, just have the patience to let if all play out.. Ultimatums never work…

  9. Ay! So much I want to say have already been said!! Bravo, I’m in a new thing less than 6 months, and even though I am very very emotionally and physically involved, I realized that I should cut my losses and break it off soon. I already see him for someone who is not open, but at the same time has been making girlfriend/boyfriend references without even sitting down and asking me straight-foward. Its mixed messages, but my gut does not feel “the love” being returned, or maybe I have high expectations? Anyway, I rather be alone and worry-free than sorta paired-off and have this swirling in my brain

    • Thank you so much! And the article spoke to the man whom you’re sure has the same feelings for you, A guy whom you just met is a bit different.

  10. This is my situation right now, although he was saying these same things yesterday i couldn’t understand why we can’t be in a relationship and reach both of our goals together. I was so hung up on the fact that we have been in a relationship before that that’s all I cared about. Although I was listening to I could give you all the things you want in the time frame you want them in (Married, established, and at least one child by 24) which should have made me happy. I didn’t understand why we couldn’t become established and be together at the same time. I now understand that he wants to be fully established before settling down and starting a family. I’m still wondering why guys feel they have to be uncommited to become established…

    • In a lot of cases, men want to be able to provide. If they’re not financially positioned to do that on a level they’d like to, they won’t feel comfortable in that relationship role as a provider. In other cases, men want to be able to invest themselves fully in their career first to a certain point and commit to a woman later. Trying to share your focus, time, and energy between two very demanding things can stretch you kinda thin and stress you out. Nights where you want attention but he has work to do.

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