A Cheating Man’s Heart…

Based on a true story…

ImageI love my woman, no doubt. If she needed somebody in her corner, I’d be there rain, sleet, hail, or snow. I’d do anything for her. I’d lay down my life if it meant saving hers, give my last to see to her needs being met, fight to the death in her honor if I had to. This undoubtedly is the woman I want to spend my life with. But there’s just this one thing..

I cheated.

And I did it again. After the first time it was like…I don’t know it was like a drug. I experienced the high then immediately the low mixed with guilt.  But ultimately I craved it again, and more so the next time. I can’t blame the dealers, they used me like I use them, but stopping my abuse didn’t reverse the damage. I don’t even feel in control any more. I’m disgusted with the straight face I can put on when she looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me, yet I reciprocate the message because my heart is above my waist out of any outsider’s reach. While emotionally faithful as I may be, physically I no longer am and to her, there may be no separation. If she finds out she may forgive me, she may not, but she’ll never be the same. A broken trust will deal a fatal blow to her peace of mind,  so I’m willing to die with this guilt no matter how heavy the burden gets. They say if you really love someone you’ll just tell them the truth. Like it’s that simple. But the truth is looking to take away the best thing that ever happened to me on the account of my aptitude to make mistakes…. but its ability to destroy is only in its potential to be known. Like I set a train in motion that can’t be stopped without the power to turn back time…and my options are to either let it collide with her head on, or to derail it off course to temporarily save both of our lives. Maybe it’s a selfish ambition, but in the same way I hold her heart, she holds mine. To lose her is to lose both and I don’t know how to brace myself for that or if I even want to.

So many things running across my mind right now that I just don’t understand and the world has no empathy for my sentiments. They just dehumanize me. People can’t fathom a love that lives in disloyalty…but everyone loves God and is disloyal to Him. Maybe it’s possible to believe in something you can’t live up to. The plight of  trying to walk along the lines of perfection where the fellow imperfects draw them only adds to the frustration. When you’re wrong, nobody cares that you’re human but that doesn’t change that fact that I am. I’m having to grow up at her expense and playing Russian Roulette with our love in the process. I want an answer, but I am the problem, incapable of being understood. Image

-Derrick Jaxn

42 thoughts on “A Cheating Man’s Heart…

  1. I’m in awe once again! Your ability to reach people in those places that they keep from everyone is absolutely mind-blowing! As a woman who was cheated on by a man who told me I was all he ever wanted, on more than occasion, I needed this! It’s almost impossible to understand when you’re there dealing with it. But seeing it explained so well almost gives me a peace. It helps with my self esteem just a little. Thank you!

  2. U love that she loves u! u don’t love her. u love your selfish ways that u continue 2 do. True Love would/will have u as loyal 2 her as u are disloyal 2 God.

  3. I respect your insight and your struggle. It’s how you embrace your struggle that leads you to the outcome you desire. Latosha hit on a point that should be highlighted, ” u love that she loves you”. Many times men know when they have a “good” woman; one that possesses all of the attributes that are accepted as “good” either by his standards or what is prescribed by friends, family, media etc. as a “good” woman. Sometimes the conflict is knowing what you have and not wanting to lose it despite where you are at that space and time and other times its the feeling of having a need met in the way that she loves you. To embrace your struggle, you have to come to terms with where you are in this moment in time in relation to where your woman is. If you look at “love” as the numerator, what is the common denominator in this relationship and is it shared between the two of you? The reality is that you caring deeply for her, loving how she loves you, and knowing she is a good woman are all “inputs” to a successful, mutually understood relationship. You have to look at if you are at a place in your emotional maturity and moment in time to be ABLE to give what she is reciprocating. It seems, as hard as it may be, that the answer is no. You have to accept the fact and take credence in the adage, that if is meant it will be. She may not be for you at this moment and time and you not for her. It takes real love to love a person enough to know when to walk away. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Kanisha, thank you for taking the time to read my post! To your points,the main character is in fact in love with the woman. In the first paragraph, he states the extent of his love for her, not just what she does for him or how she loves him. I, like you, have a high regard for love, so I know it’s difficult to concede an imperfect but true love, however it is possible and with this man, his situation. Cheating isn’t synonymous with losing his woman, that’s why he did it again. Her finding out however is what will result in him losing her and that’s his struggle. Love doesn’t dictate our actions, it does dictate how we feel about them and that’s where he’s met with his burden of guilt.

  4. I was madly in love with someone who did this to me. I have not been the same since . We were only engaged not married but It has forever changed me as a person, because for me this was the love of my life and I will never be the same again.

    • There’s no “easy” way of accepting that someone isn’t who they say they are. Especially if you’ve invested in the person they showed you they were. This article isn’t to justify cheating or the people that do so. But even “bad” people have true love. And that’s where the conflict lies. Between the man’s moral fiber(or lack thereof) and his ability to love. Those two don’t mix for a healthy relationship. Hope things gets better for you, thank you for reading 🙂

  5. I just began following you tonight. I needed an escape from all the election coverage. A friend posted your page on Facebook. After getting over how incredibly gorgeous you are, I began to read your blog. Thank you for sharing your talents. Extremely impressed…

    • Wow! Thank you so much for reading! Yeah this election coverage is getting really exhausting. Thank you so much for the compliment 🙂 Hope you’re doing well and please do continue to support!

  6. I saw your picture on a Facebook page and then I noticed the blog. You are gorgeous by the way. And not only are you gorgeous, you have a depth to you that are not found in a lot of our men! Bravo, Mr. Jaxn. I love to read and your posts satisfy the desire that I usually only find in a book. I love it even more though, because your posts are so relatable and they either, make me think or pull at my heartstrings. I am extremely impressed. Please, keep doing what you do. This is my first day on your blog but it is certainly not my last. God Bless.

  7. Wow that is very profound but I never looked at it like that, you can’t help urself but not telling her helps save her from heartach and pain. but it also helps you keep ur secret which stop you from being honest and gettin the help you need to save ur relationship. if you have the love you say you have then you don’t want to hurt her, so just please stop. The worst thing in the world is to be hurt by the one person you would never think that would hurt you.

    • Well, first off thank you for reading. 🙂 Secondly, this POV isn’t my personal one but do understand the purpose of the story is to look at it from the perspective of the cheater, not the cheated on as we’re all so tempted to do when deciding what’s right and wrong. As you’re doing as well. I can expect you as a woman to empathize with the woman in this post, but just remove yourself from it and consider the cheater’s dilemma. That’s the beauty of this story, which even in his mind isn’t beautiful at all.

      • I keep reading this post! I love it. I actually wrote a piece as the mistress a couple years back, but some of my closest friends deemed it too inappropriate, so I keep it to myself! As a mistress, guilt is overwhelming, but not as overwhelming as the desire to have your drug….

  8. Great story! This is a true story for most whether they want to admit it or not. I believe this guy really loves this women. The situation is very difficult for women to understand because they could not fathom in their mind how he could love and cheat. I’m a women and I will agree that he does love and he loves hard. I agree love does not dictate our actions but our intentions. Don’t get me wrong, I at no point agree with him cheating, I do on the other hand know that his love is there. He has to come to a realization with himself and understand his cause for repeats and find a solution. Whether its something he is missing in his relationship or just an addition. Telling the woman may not be a good idea. Trust will decline and what’s a relationship without trust. It’s kind of like, “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.” If he can work on himself first and then his relationship, things will get better. Learn from your mistakes!

  9. This is why I’m cynical about love. A person I loved cheated on me. What ever happened to loyalty? That just went out the window. Nine times out of ten she won’t leave, but you knew that. Which is why you continued the madness. That’s pretty selfish.

    • Well the main character in this article actually answers that exact question. And implied at some point that he’d stopped and was left with the responsibility of what to do with this ugly truth. This wasn’t to justify his actions, but to understand his thinking and humanize him, not the action.

  10. this is true been there 1st time broke my heart, the second broke my trust, we have been together 22 years and I will not marry him–spend time trying to make it up thinking I might do the same to get back at him

  11. Yeah, indeed, beautiful words, as usual from you, Derrick … but not even the sweetest and most honest words can talk cheating good! Something painful, useless, selfish and dishonoring like cheating on the person you claim to love stays filthy.

    You choose to let it happen once – she could forgive you. But if you do it again, then it’s more than intentionally – only a complete fool will forgive you.

    • Hi Laura, the article wasn’t meant to make cheating good. Even the main character acknowledged it’s wrong. And love makes even the smartest of us very “foolish” sometime wouldn’t you say?

  12. This guy is a coward and he doesn’t deserve her. If a person isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship, then why be in one?

    Unless he has more game than any man I’ve ever met, she knows what’s going on and either stays because she’s afraid to lose him or because she has some secrets of her own. For the majority of us (speaking on behalf of women I know), it is the latter, as we learn to guard our hearts with our absolute might. If she has another man (or woman) to be there for her when he’s not, then she may remain graceful through his infidelities until she reaches her breaking point. Long story short, his woman either has someone else, will soon have someone else, or will eventually walk away – possibly all of the above.

    • Well, I wouldn’t say coward but he’s definitely at a crossroads and in turmoil with himself. However he’s feeling very “human” emotions. We tend to treat cheating as something unforgivable, especially those of us who’ve felt that hurt but like the article said, we cheat on God…daily. Knowing it’s wrong, we still do plenty. Otherwise there’d be no such thing as regret. But I appreciate your feedback and thank you for reading as always 🙂

  13. How would you measure the honor of a man? Should a woman focus on his ability to weave words into a poetic masterpiece? Should she measure his worth in how well he has accomplished financial gain? How he maintains his success? His love for G-d perhaps? That–has always been my number one–but yes–we have all fallen short of perfection; nevertheless, honesty is more than just the truth. Honesty within the realms of love is about selflessness. If love is the process in which we brew one another into becoming the best of ourselves, then honesty–a vital key. Honesty–regardless the cost–is about the honor due the one we call “beloved.” You may choose to hold back the truth for wanting to destroy the foundation of your love no further, but the consqeuences of dishonesty has already begun–In you. As you ponder, as you hide your heartache, your transgression–a slow yet powerful poison knaws at love from the inside out. The antidote? Honesty. Begin the journey to love again, and again on the basis of honest because love seeks to bring about the best of ourselves. For love? Give nothing less. <—jus'say'n.

    • A man’s character is in his conviction. That’s how we can measure his honor. I’d rather befriend a man who did bad things for the right reasons than vice versa. When you say “nevertheless”, it’s almost like a pivotal term to excuse the preceding point so that you can only focus on the latter which isn’t fair. The first point of imperfection is equally significant if not more so because everything else; our actions and our love as well flows through that filter. So while love is perfect, we are not. That includes the selflessness, the honesty, etc. It gets cliche to say that but it also gets convenient when we judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions. This article doesn’t excuse the act of cheating nor lying, it only separates them from the person. Maybe good people do bad things? Maybe…no matter how deserving you are of your punishment, not welcoming it doesn’t dictate your character. You’re only human….Wrong, but relatable.

  14. Then I pray for a man whose conviction brings him to hold honesty as his legacy. Honesty gives birth to loyalty, to trust, to integrity, to dedication–to a perfect love. We are blemished creatures and to stumble is not beneath any of us. As for my “nevertheless” statement–I believe you miss the point altogether, my friend. There are no excuses to being flawed except in that our very nature is–hm–flawed. To focus on the “latter” portion of my statement–seeking to be “honest” at all cost enables us to build and rebuild, using the fundamental elements that will only bring forth good fruit. How can true love flourish where secrecy of that magnitude resides? You mentioned how often those who love G-d dishonor Him with their countless moments of disloyalty–So I ask you–How then can a man or a woman truly consider themselves honoring those whom they love–when they do not confess, nor repent? To confess and repent–is that not what G-d seeks also from those who “love” Him? <—jus'say'n.

    • God is indeed seeking that from those who love Him. But do you lose God when you cheat and repent? Or is that His garauntee that you’ll never lose Him? So on the contrary, would you not highly risk losing the person you cheated on? In the same way that the cheater is human, so is the cheated on. So to compare God to the cheated loses consistency when you use it to justify his persecution due to holding back this ugly truth. This article is about shining light on the fact that we’re all human, not about right/wrong. That’s established and understood. What seems to be the point that’s “missed” is that the human element gives us all something in common with the man in this article. But I know, it feels much better to alienate him. Because then we can feel like, “I’m not that bad”.

  15. …No–not alienate him–but rather give love the opportunity to prove itself worth more than any treasure in the world. Yes–sadly we can and may lose our beloved in the process–but love is suppose to be stronger than that–if it is in fact–love. I say why not allow love to grow and the counterfeit to whither where it stands? I’ve dealt with infidelity many times in my marriage; however, I strove to love him even more in spite of it because I did truly love him. What I could not forgive? The fact that he did not give me the honor I deserved after the matter. I craved more than anything for him to honor me with the truth–the honest truth. With honesty–we could have mended the holes in our relationship, I could have found a way to intervene when temptation beckoned him away from home–but he gave me nothing–so after 11 years–I had no choice but to find that all was so because “his” love “for me”–did not exist.

    It has been a pleasure;) Goodnight.

  16. I believe Love is an emotion that is felt and due to the amount we “love” the person can depict our actions. As Christians we are striving to always please God and are required to ask forgiveness for our sins with the intent of not doing it again.For this cheater, there is no accountability to do right and reform from his ways because he never told his partner his wrong doings. Loyal Christians continue to pray ask God for help with their addiction/drug so that they will have the strength to turn from it. This man referenced God but never mentioned that he prayed for help or consulted a counselor for this problem. I rather you not mention God and Christianity if you aren’t going to make an attempt to live the lifestyle that faithful Christians do. We all fall short and No one is perfect but it take a strong individual to admit they’re wrong doings and try to amend them despite the consequences. If he really “loves” her he and does believe in God then he should come clean to his partner, God, ask for forgiveness and pray to “be transformed by the renewing of the mind.” So when he has lustful thought he can re train his mind to think of other things. Once the devil has your mind, your body will follow…what have you been thinking about lately?

    • So what if the cheater is not a Christian? Is it possible to still believe in God? The religion of Christianity and knowing God are not as synonymous as “christians” would have you believe. The lifestyle Christians typically live is also hardly a standard of excellence, just ask Eddie Long.

      The conviction alone of being in turmoil about his decision shows his accountability for his actions as opposed to someone who’s freely running around and looking to continue without a care in the world. Love is perfect, but just like pure water, if the vessel it flows from is not as pure/perfect, then the result will be the same. We, by human nature, are all impure and imperfect, so even our perfect love comes out with mistakes like these. By mistake, I’m also including his contemplation on whether or not to confess as opposed to your perfect decision to “do the Christian thing” and immediately fess up. I think this story brings up an interesting perspective of a man who’s caught between logic and the vulnerability our emotions imposes on us. For it’s his love for her that has him afraid to come clean for fear of losing her, not his intentions on continuing on in infidelity.

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