Real Men Cuddle

ImageI always find it interesting when I hear guys say how they don’t like cuddling because of how soft it is. The word itself has a teddy bear-ish connotation but let’s look at the logic of it. A man and a woman lie next to or intertwined with each other while doing some other intimate activity like talking, watching a movie, or just relaxing. So, it’s safe to say that cuddling is the foreplay of foreplay which is the warm-up to having sex, which men claim to really enjoy right?

Now, I missed the part where it’s soft but maybe comparing it to more acceptable “manly” activities can help clear up the confusion. By manly, I mean with a lot of men because when guys crowd around in a tiny apartment living room, almost lapped up on the love seat to play their new Xbox game they got from Santa  while passing weed to one another(weed that’s licked and sucked on by other men before it’s placed on their lips), none of that violates the guy code. And then there are those who will slap each other on the ass after a good play but won’t hold their lady’s hand in public. But here’s where it gets really weird.

Back in the day when I would go clubbing, I noticed how an R&B slow jam would come on and it literally pissed dudes off. They’d go sulk in the corner trying not to look awkward as they patiently awaited its ending, no matter how many beautiful women would be in the middle dancing with each other due to the shortage of males. But the moment Chief Keef came on, they flocked to the floor to play with each other. I was baffled, and wondered if it was something I was missing.

The truth was that allegedly heterosexual men really hadn’t changed much since the elementary days of pinching a girl to tell her we liked her. If it looked cool to other guys, it took precedence to what it actually made her feel like even though at the root of it, we all wanted the same thing; her. Call women hoes and bitches, get high-fives, but the moment we get respectful and start expressing emotion we’re told we’re acting like Drake. If we see a group of guys, we engage in complicated hand-shakes and warm embraces with each of them, apologetic if we missed one but we can’t hold our woman without needing to punch a wall to re-establish our masculinity.

Men have a way of condoning really dumb shit while trying to oust that which makes more sense but then wonder why women seem so complicated. So, I realized quickly that it wasn’t that I wasn’t good at being “manly”, it’s just that my definition was different.

Even if it didn’t lead to sex, cuddling has always been fun if it was timed correctly(when I wasn’t hungry or horny). Soft legs felt good against mine and a female’s face lying on my chest just felt…right. The sex is better after cuddling and cuddling is better after sex. The only way you can go wrong is if you’re just not that into the person you’re cuddling with, but sex is always better with feelings involved so even that doesn’t make sense. Image

Basically, there’s nothing more masculine than a man who does what it takes to make his woman smile. If he can find a way to deal with his insecurities of being accepted by other guys, he’ll see that a lot of those things will make him feel good too. Like kissing, cooking, and being a one-woman-man. And if he wants that one woman to stick around, he might as well get used to cuddling; because that’s not going anywhere.

Daddy’s Little Girl

 

 

I recently gave my Facebook fans a chance to choose my next topic to write about with the hashtag #DearJaxn, and one of them posted: Image

Great question. There’s this story about a guy named Marc who went to the barbershop and had the same question. Where I’m from, barbers are like psychologists. Their advice is real, uncut, and straight to the point.

Marc’s a first time father who hadn’t been in his 5 year old daughter’s life. The conversation went like this:

ImageBarber: What’s stopping you?

Marc: Nothing. I mean, nothing besides her moms.

Barber: She won’t let you see her?

Marc: Nah she do. But I can’t be around that woman for 2 minutes without fussing and getting stressed out. I just be tryna get away from her, but that means getting away from Amiyah(his daughter) too. But don’t get it twisted, I take care of her. I just can’t deal with her moms and for real for real, it ain’t like I can raise no girl to be a woman no way. That’s a woman’s job.

Barber: You can’t be serious. A daughter definitely needs her father.

Marc: Nah I carry my weight and I ain’t even on child support. Ain’t a week that go by that I don’t send money for clothes, food, whatever she need.

Barber: No, I’m not just talking about money. You’re the first impression of a man she’ll ever have. You keep on thinking that giving her money should compensate for the conversations you’re not having with her, and she’ll grow up to let those same dollars compensate for the respect she’s not getting.

Marc: But it ain’t even like that. I gotta grind to make sure she got the stuff she need. If I miss a birthday party, that’s better than her missing a meal.

Barber: But those few hours you sacrifice to watch her blow out her birthday candles will mean the world to her. You can’t keep saying how much you want to be there for her, while your actions say otherwise. You don’t think she’ll grow up to meet another dude who’ll give her the same lip service to get in her underwear but go missing as soon as her period does?

Marc: Ay that’s my baby girl you talking about.

Barber: Which is exactly why you need to hear this. You’re only increasing her tolerance for the bullshit that’ll come her way from another man who claims to love her. It’s on us to define what a real man is so that they won’t get it confused with these lame dudes who calling em “bad bitches”. You’re more than just a provider and a protector, you’re a parent.

Marc: I ain’t perfect, but I do love her.

Barber: Her abusive boyfriend she’ll have one day won’t be perfect either. You really wanna teach her to accept that as an excuse?

Marc: No! I couldn’t live with myself if I ever let that happen. I just…I don’t know man. I feel like, ain’t but so much I can do other than make sure she eat. That’s what I thought the role of a dad is ‘sposed to be.

The barber stopped his clippers and turned Marc around to look him in the face

ImageBarber: Put it like this. She turns on the radio and rappers are telling her to “drop that ass”. She opens a magazine and designers are telling her beauty comes in one size. She turns on the TV and sees women who let plastic surgeons scribble over the masterpiece God painted. You know what they have in common? They all point to her body as the source of her value. It’s your role as her father to make sure she redirects the world to what’s behind her eyes. Not with your promises you make, but with the ones you keep. 

I agree with the barber, but what about you?

- DerrickJaxn

The Story of Brandy and Jason

ImageJason recently saw a beautiful girl walking one day and decided to approach her. Her name was Brandy. She wasn’t interested at first, but his persistence paid off and he not only got her phone number, but also a date for later on that night.

Jason: Hey Brandy, open up it’s me Jason

Brandy: Coming

opens door

Jason: Hey sexy. Damn you looking good in that lil’ fitted dress. Can I come in?

Brandy: I thought we were going out?

Jason: Yeah we are, I just gotta use the bathroom real quick.

Brandy: Um…ok.

He walks in and looks around the house. He sees that no one else is there.

Jason: Can you show me where the bathroom is sexy?

Brandy: Yeah…it’s right here. But why are you looking at me like that? Why are you getting so close?

Jason: Come here you know you want me.

Brandy: No I don’t, get off me. Jason, stop touching me. No Jason! Get off of me. Help! Somebody help me!

Brandy fights back but is unsuccessful. Jason rapes her and leaves her on the floor then leaves.

(1 week later)

Jason calls.

Brandy: Hello?

Jason: Hey whasup sexy.

Brandy: Why are you calling me. You took what you wanted now leave me alone.

Jason: C’mon you know you wanted me. I knew it too.

Brandy: How?

Jason: I saw the way you was wearing that lil fitted dress. It hugged your curves. Showed off your cleavage n everything. You wanted me, I could see it in your eyes. That’s the only reason you would’ve been asking for all that attention. So I gave it to you. You asked for it.

Brandy: Well it’s something you need to know.

Jason: What?

Brandy: I’m HIV positive.

Jason: Wait, you’re what?! Tell me you’re lying.

Brandy: No, I’m HIV positive. Don’t act surprised. You wanted HIV, I could see it in your eyes. The way you took me against my will. The way you ignored me when I told you to stop. The way you forced yourself into me and without protection. So I gave it to you. You asked for it.

Jason: You bitch! How could you do this to me?!

Brandy: Everyone knows you rape girls Jason. And you blame it on them. That they somehow asked for it. That the way they dressed warranted your sex even though their cries for you to stop meant nothing. I was given HIV when I was just 14 from a guy like you. He blamed me, just like you did. I even believed him and tried to kill myself. But instead, I decided to teach guys like him, guys like you, a lesson. You strip girls of their dignity based on what you see on the outside. So I’m going to strip you of your life based on what I know is on the inside.

The end.

- DerrickJaxn

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Fruitvale Station: Undeniably Brilliant & Necessary

Written by: Derrick JaxnImageLast night I had the opportunity to watch Ryan Coogler’s new movie, Fruitvale Station starring Michael B. Jordan as Oscar Grant. As expected, the story is a tragic and hardly uncommon one of a young black male being treated like the red headed step child of modern day America we’re constantly being shown that we are.

No spoiler alert here. But a bigger point is to be made by this movie that we’re too afraid to touch on.

Non-racist whites don’t like to talk about racism or to acknowledge that racism is still a problem. Why? Because it usually means they’re getting ready to be falsely accused of being racist. But because they’re not, nor have been subject to racism(outside of mean looks), they see it as just a figment of our imagination and a thing of the past. I get it. Image

Blacks are constantly subject to racism but don’t know who to really blame, so we blame white people because that’s what history has taught us. Because we wrongfully blame them so much, it starts sounding like we’re crying wolf and don’t know what we’re talking about even though we live it every single day when trying to go shopping, or being “randomly” stopped and frisked, or worse, shot in the back by a policeman while lying face down and unarmed. And those who are racist are playing on those frustrations by telling us it’s not racism if no one says the N-Word….to our face.

The sad part is, both whites and blacks are picking a fight with the wrong people. It’s not each other that we need to wage war against, but instead the institutionalized racism that exists in our media and justice system. Laws designed by racist politicians that still haven’t changed over the last 60 years, destructive images of black men that we’ve not only accepted but in many ways embraced, are only exposed in statistics we’re too caught up in Youtube and Reality TV to actually see.

ImageThis movie was masterfully done and necessary because it keeps the conversation of racial injustices alive while doing so in a very responsible manner. It doesn’t paint white people as all being racist. In fact, it shows white people who were trying to help Oscar Grant in the midst of his untimely death, directly reflective of what’s happening today. There are white people who are fighting alongside blacks to end racism, but we can’t alienate them out of frustration of needing someone to blame.

There’s plenty of work to be done to finally end racism but Rome wasn’t built in a day. We first need to recognize our opponent if we plan on winning anything. Lebron James can’t win a single game by dunking on the popcorn guy in the stands. As absurd as that sounds, that’s exactly what we’re all doing by choosing which race is more at fault. Once we establish that this flawed justice system and the biased images the media projects which facilitates these dangerous stereotypes and division of cultures is who the REAL enemy is, then we can come together and really figure out how to win.Image

 

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-Derrick Jaxn.

Why Men Don’t Want to Get Married

Written By: Derrick Jaxn

ImageD. Wade has finally reached a multi-million dollar settlement with his ex-wife. The ex-wife who was arrested for attempting to abduct their children and then claimed to be homeless despite the (paid for)mansion, 4 cars, and $25,000 per month  she’s gotten from Wade since the two’s split. While claiming to be homeless, there just so happened to be a close friend of hers nearby with a home-made sign describing her homelessness to anyone who may have been curious. Right.

This arguing over who gets what is nothing new, but I find the consistency of post-marital money issues interesting being that pre-nuptial agreements are so frowned upon. That’s like a parent who sees other babies wetting their underwear but refuses to buy diapers for their own child for fear they might actually need them one day.

I know, not all women are like this. Most women are just tired of putting their all into a relationship without a lawful commitment to show for it, or being abandoned for another woman without any viable tools to make a man feel their pain. They’re tired of having to answer to their family and friends about why they’ve been so loyal and why the man has yet to “put a ring on it”. But it’s gotten way out of hand.

I’ve even noticed a trend of women advocating for holding out on sex until marriage. Not for religious reasons, but instead for a “Why Buy the Cow if You Get the Milk for Free” type of thing. Some even use the cover Stop giving a boyfriend husband benefits. Please understand that not having sex until marriage, whether for religious reasons or not, is by all means any woman’s right. But if you’re using your vagina to bait your man into marriage, you are pitiful at best. That’s not “thinking like a man”, that’s thinking like a woman who’d rather use sex as collateral rather than finding a man who knows her real value isn’t between her legs.

Marriage is supposed to be about professing vows before God and letting the world know it’s time to respect that couple as a legitimate family unit. However, experience is teaching men that jumping the broom is now a “Just in case you try to leave, you’ll pay” contract. Cases like the one D. Wade is dealing with makes stalling for years on end much more likely.

ImageSo how do you get a man to marry you? Stop trying. Date with a purpose, not a pressure.

By all means, tell a man what your relationship goals are. When you get on the subject of marriage and why you want it, have a better explanation than “I know my worth”. It sounds self-serving and entitling, indicative of a woman who has greater potential to end up like Wade’s estranged ex. To say that by being married, you’re aware of your worth, is to say that any woman who is single or just ‘in a relationship’ is falling short of her potential. That’s a dangerous mentality because then we make our goals about obtaining the relationship title as opposed to maintaining the healthy relationship which we see a lot of today.

Men aren’t afraid to get married because they’re immature, they’re afraid because it’s been turned into a bear trap. I bet you can’t remember the last time you wanted to walk into one of those either.

He “Ain’t Shit”…but Is It Your Fault?

ImageYou ain’t shit, never was shit, ain’t gone be shit, and ya Momma ain’t shit. Now what?

Some people feel that the difference between a real man and an “Ain’t shit” guy has absolutely nothing to do with a woman. Kinda true but…Newsflash: EVERY man has the potential to be both and there’s something to be said about the role a woman plays in what she’s presented. For instance:

When you go to the club, I bet you wear something a little sexy, you accept a few drinks, and you jirate the night away without a worry in the world. Right? But…if you’re in an interview for an office job, you’re probably not singing at the top of your lungs, in a 3 point stance, dropping it like it’s hot. What changed? Was it your character, your morals, or your home training? No. It was your environment, your surroundings, and the people around you in which you were intending to make an impression on. So this same principal applies to men. Remember, men are RE-actors. Working out is a reaction to women liking muscles, having a job is a reaction to women liking money, and wearing condoms is a reaction to STDs and surprise babies.

So what does that mean for you? If you’ve attracted yourself a real man, one that has intentions on pursuing marriage and a family with the next woman he encounters, you canImage completely ruin that by disrespecting him or even worse yourself. He can be up for the Nobel Peace Prize but that won’t keep him from bringing out the worst in him should you beckon for it with unnecessary stress.

“ALL HE WANTED WAS SEX…JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY”

Real men catch hell on this one. How convenient it would be if we could detach our penises and put it in a safe until the time was right, but guess what, we don’t work like that.The problem is, when women sift through to the good men, they think our hormones are on ice waiting for us to make our mind up about who we’re going to marry, which is the case approximately 0.034% of the time(according to a recent study). You see, physical arousal is a God-given element of being human and an involuntary response to being attracted to someone. So yeah, real men like love sex too and it’s not fair for you to hold that against us.  But if that’s the only way you’re making yourself valuable to us, we will accept it with a smile, and leave shortly thereafter it gets old much like the trademark of the “ain’t shit” guy. You will go on to deem us as being just like the others you’ve dealt with, only telling the world the one-sided truth(which is a lie) about how we only wanted sex. But you want to know the common denominator in your ratio of a-holes to great guys? YOU. Address that part of the equation, and you will have a better chance of changing what it equals to.

“BUT A REAL MAN WILL SHOW A WOMAN THAT ALL GUYS AREN’T THE SAME”

ImageSo, you want me to go on about how a real man treats every woman like a queen? He kisses your feet, rubs your ears, does all the cooking, and even when you do look fat, he tells you that he loves your curves…. Ok, we’ll go with that. But even the cutest little kitten will attack like a lion if you rub it wrong. Your only job is to keep a man true to his identity. If he’s an “ain’t shit” guy, be the kind of self-respecting, strong, classy woman that repels him. Not the kind that makes him feel right at home(rolling his weed, playing Xbox with him when you know he’s supposed to be looking for a job, accepting his disrespect). No, that doesn’t mean holding your vagina as collateral until he makes it official, because if he has no loyalty, then his relationship title will remain Single no matter what you call it. He’ll wait out your 90 day rule while he sleeps with your best friend and uses your tax refund to pay for the baby shower.

If he’s a real man, be that environment that’s conducive to that. Stroke his ego every now and then(it’s OK), let him know you got his back, and always hold him accountable for meaning what he says and vice versa. Just like a real woman, a real man knows his worth and he’s not about to waste any of it on a girl who’s showing she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s in front of her. The cape is getting less and less popular the more modern day independent women show themselves, so don’t expect some “Man of Steel” to come saving you from all of the bad habits you’ve held onto over the years while you play victim like you owe him that responsibility. “Ain’t shit” guys are out there, but instead of trying to avoid them, focus on being the one they try to avoid.Image

-Derrick Jaxn